


Alone Again

by labct1



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Lambski, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-25
Updated: 2012-11-24
Packaged: 2017-11-08 13:16:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 38,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/443580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labct1/pseuds/labct1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place three years after Adam and Sauli split.   Adam visits Finland for the first time since their breakup and is constantly reminded of events from the past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Angsty fic I've been fiddling with for a while. The boys seem so happy in real life but there's nothing like writing a little angst. This is the first part. The second part will be up in the next week. There is no BETA for this so expect some errors and other things that will make you roll your eyes - lol.

_"He’s getting married.”_

_Adam barely glances up from the stack of photos his management asked him to autograph for the new Trevor Project charity drive._

_“Who?”_

_He drops the marker and flexes his fingers trying to relieve the cramp signing two hundred pictures causes. He knows lots of artists have their assistants autograph these things but he's not one of them. People are donating money to charity for his signature. They'll get his signature._

_“Sauli.”_

_One name that still has the ability to freeze Adam in his tracks. He stares at his fingers and watches his hand open and close, not really feeling the movement anymore, instead everything focused on the name from the past that still haunts him._

_“Really?” He tries for polite inquiry but he's never been able to put anything over on Neil._

_“In three months.”_

_Well, that didn't take him long. Adam fights every internal muscle screaming at him to leave the room before he hears anymore. He puts on a smile he doesn't feel and as calmly as possible replies, "I didn’t know you were still in touch with him. Next time you talk to him, tell him I said congratulations.”_

_“Bullshit!” Neil rakes his hands through his hair, yanking on the ends. “Jesus, Adam. It’s your last chance.”_

_"Last chance for what?" Adam snaps back, the reaction he wanted to keep bottled down coming to the surface. "To go begging after a man who doesn't want me? I already did that, remember? And where did that get me?"_

_Adam blows out a breath, trying to calm his rioting emotions. “He’s the one that left, not me,” he answers, all the anger gone as quickly as it appeared. All that's left now is the same sense of loss he felt when Sauli walked out the door so long ago._

_“Do you blame him?”_

_“Yeah, actually, I do.” He methodically puts the photos in a neat pile before standing up to leave._

_“Adam, he still loves you,” Neil’s quiet voice stops him once more._

_Hearing that doesn’t make him feel better, in fact it makes him feel worse. The selfish part of him wishes it were true, if only so he wouldn't be the only one wallowing in misery._

_He fights back the moisture beginning to fill his eyes. He's cried enough tears over that failed relationship. He refuses to let anymore fall._

_“Then why is he marrying someone else?” Adam asks the question that has no answer._

***

"Mr. Lambert, I'm sorry to wake you but you need to buckle up. We're getting ready to land."

Adam scrubs a hand over his face, stifles a yawn and looks out the window. He hasn't had a good night sleep in almost six months - ever since Neil told him about Sauli getting married. He's haunted by the same dream over and over again.

Sauli got married.

To someone else.

Deep down he's not all that surprised. He knew Sauli wanted the whole happily-ever-after fairytale. He just always thought it would be with him.

Adam tries to picture what the man looks like. Probably dark hair like Adam's. Sauli always did have a thing for the tall, dark look. Maybe blue eyes. When the mental image he forms is of himself, he scoffs and changes it to a short, balding guy with beady, green eyes - an unattractive man with a high pitched screech to his voice.

He shakes his head in disgust. He's stooped to being jealous of a stranger. As angry as he is that Sauli walked out, they were very happy at one time. Does he really want Sauli to settle for a man less than worthy?

He sighs and closes his eyes because as much as it pains him to think of Sauli with another man, Adam would rather he find love again. He wants Sauli to be happy, even if the image causes him sleepless nights. It's not Sauli's fault Adam is the one who hasn't been able to move on.

He looks down at the familiar airport, one he hasn't seen since that awful day almost three years ago, when everything started to unravel.

* * *

_"Sauli, I'm sorry but I have to go. Bruno had to back out at the last minute and they asked me to fill in. It's too big an opportunity to pass up."_

_"You don't even like sports."_

_Adam races to finish packing. He only has twenty minutes before the car picks him up._

_"I don't, but it's a huge event, watched by millions. And since I'm so close to London, they called me."_

_"Adam, it's my parents party. We've missed Christmas with them this year because we were coming for this. You promised me you'd keep your schedule clear."_

_Adam stops for a minute to walk over to where Sauli is standing. He rubs his hands up and down Sauli's arms and gives him a kiss._

_"I'm sorry but I couldn't refuse. I'm sure they'll understand."_

_In the four years they've been together, this isn't the first time Adam's plans changed at the last minute. Sauli''s family have always been extremely understanding. He's sure they will be this time too._

_Sauli turns around quickly and walks to the closet. "How much time do we have?" He asks as he pulls out his suitcase. "I suppose they can ship anything we forget to pack."_

_"Um, actually it's just me leaving."_

_Adam throws a few things in his bag and gives up on the rest. Sauli can bring them when he flies home in a couple of weeks._

_"Don't you want me with you if it's such a big event?"_

_"I didn’t think you'd want to miss the party. You're always saying family is the most important thing." He zips up his bag and checks the time._

_"He hears but he doesn't listen," Sauli mumbles under his breath, so low Adam barely hears it._

_"It'll be okay. Have fun. I'll see you in a few days." He gives Sauli a kiss, murmurs his usual good-bye and leaves the room to say his apologies to Sauli's family._

_It isn't until he's on the plane that he digests Sauli's last comment. He worries over it for a bit before deciding Sauli will get over it. He always gets over it._

* * *

As Adam checks into his hotel, he wonders what's going through the minds of the desk clerks. They aren't as friendly as they normally are when he stayed here in the past. Maybe it's because they're new, but as he casually looks around, he notices lots of people looking at him but nobody approaching. In fact, he would say their stares are bordering on hostile more than anything else.

No doubt they're all blaming him for the break-up with Sauli. His sales have suffered here, enough that both he and the label have noticed.

Apparently, the Finnish reporters weren't lying when they said how much the people here loved Sauli. Then again, loving Sauli isn't very difficult. If it were, he wouldn't still be broken-hearted about their split.

He's still not sure exactly what went wrong. He knew things were a little strained between them but Sauli's whole "I want to settle down, have a family," speech took him off guard. He figured they'd do things in stages - dog first, then marriage, and finally kids.

But at some point when Adam wasn't paying attention, Sauli became unhappy, or maybe unfulfilled is a better word. Every time Sauli started making noises about taking their relationship to a more permanent state, Adam put it off until Sauli stopped hinting altogether.

Adam thought he bought himself the time he needed to get used to the idea. He didn't know that Sauli had given up.

It's not that he didn't love Sauli with all his heart and soul, but getting married is a huge step, one he didn't see himself taking for a few years. He wasn't even thirty-five. There was still time. He had no doubt Sauli was "the one", but he wasn't ready to give up his career to play family man just yet. When Adam became a father, he wanted to be hands-on. He didn't want to be someone who got a phone call or a video clip when his son took his first step, or when his daughter said her first word. He wanted to witness those moments first hand.

He thought Sauli understood they'd get there eventually, but he thought wrong. Instead Sauli had given him the "we're in different places" and the "I'll always treasure what we had" speech and left.

It's strange that he still remembers little details of that day. Sauli was wearing the necklace Adam gave him for their third anniversary. He kept sliding the diamond arrowhead along the chain, something he did when he was nervous. His shoulder length hair was tucked behind his ears, the golden, curly locks looked wild and untamed. Adam was tempted to carry him back to bed. If he did that, he may have avoided getting his heart crushed.

Adam's convinced the image he will remember when he takes his last breath is Sauli standing in the kitchen, avoiding his eyes, telling him they were over. He'll never forget the anguish on Sauli's face or in the tone of his voice.

Adam throws his phone on the bed in an angry huff. He does not want to spend his time here replaying old memories best left buried. He thinks about going to a club tonight, maybe getting drunk or laid - maybe both - but decides against it when he sees the marble bath tub. A long, relaxing soak is what he needs.

He unpacks his things and fills the tub with the hottest water he can stand. His body is still tense from the long flight, and the feeling that maybe he shouldn't have come here at all.  When he and Sauli were a couple, he loved visiting, and not only because it gave him a chance to visit family. It was because the reporters and fans he met here adored Sauli. They genuinely cared about his happiness. Adam always loved that the focus was as much on Sauli as it was himself. 

His heart pounded a little faster when he saw Helsinki on the list of stops for his promotional tour.  He knows the chances of running into Sauli are slim to none, but questions will be asked. Personal questions he doesn't have the answer for.

"Sometimes things don't work out". "We grew apart." "We wanted different things."

Standard pat answers that aren't anywhere near the truth of what happened. The correct things to say were more like "I don't know what happened" or "He stopped loving me", or more accurately, "I took him for granted".

That last one still eats at his gut late at night when he's in his quiet house with nothing but his thoughts for company.

He exercised a lot of energy and time looking for love. So many years. He should have held on tight with both hands when he found it, instead he became comfortable as the years went by. He assumed Sauli would always be there.

He assumed wrong and he lost everything.

He wonders if Sauli and his husband live in the city or some place quieter. Hell, who's to say Sauli even lives in Finland anymore. He always did love to travel and explore new places. He could be living anywhere in the world for all Adam knows. It's killed him but he hasn't asked Neil one question since he found out his brother and ex-lover still chatted. Mostly, he's terrified of the answers.

The heat from the water releases the tension in his muscles and a relaxed sigh escapes his mouth. A line of sweat makes its way down the side of his face. He reaches down to pick up his wine but the glass slips and shatters against the floor.

"Shit," he swears and stands up, only then noticing the thin line of blood on his hand from a flying piece of glass.

Guilt overcomes him when he remembers a time he wasn’t there when Sauli needed him.

* * *

_Adam pulls in the drive, dying for a bed. He's exhausted from the long night at the studio. He was due back a few hours ago, and although he called Sauli earlier that evening to tell him he'd be late, he still feels a little apprehensive about facing him. He could sense the disappointment in his partner's voice._

_When he turned his phone back on after his session, he had a few missed messages from him, which was a little strange. Sauli never called him when he was at the studio. He tried to call him back when he was on his way home but it went straight to voicemail. Whatever it was, Sauli obviously figured it out on his own._

_He blinks when he sees Neil's car in the driveway. Knowing the two of them, they got to drinking and Neil crashed here instead of driving home._

_He smiles as he takes the steps, thankful Sauli had company tonight._

_He finds Neil asleep on the couch. "Hey bro. Why don't you go to bed?"_

_"Huh?" Neil asks sleepily, his arms going over his head to stretch. "What time is it?"_

_"A little after four."_

_Neil sits up and rubs his eyes. "Is Sauli still sleeping?"_

_Adam shrugs. "I assume so. I haven't been upstairs yet. I just got home."_

_Neil yawns loudly before he stands. "Oh, well I'm going to bed." He starts to stagger out of the room, Adam following behind, chuckling at Neil's inability to walk a straight line. They must have had some fun._

_"Make sure you wake him in a couple hours for his next dosage."_

_"Dosage?" Adam asks as he strips off his jacket. Neil must still be half sleeping._

_"Pain pills. For his hand."_

_Pain pills? Neil must be in the middle of a dream, but just in case…. "What's wrong with his hand?"_

_Neil stops at the doorway to the bedroom he always stays in and stares at Adam with eyes that are not even remotely sleepy._

_"He said he called you."_

_"He did but you know I don't keep it on when I'm recording. What happened?"_

_Neil shakes his head. "He cut his hand making dinner. He tried calling you before he called me."_

_"Jesus, is he okay?" He glances up the stairs, wanting to go to Sauli now, but needing to hear the whole story first. Knowing his boyfriend, he'll gloss over it and say everything is fine._

_"Yes. He only needed a few stitches. Doc said he'd be fine."_

_"Stitches? What the hell! Why didn't he call the studio?" Adam takes the stairs two at time, racing to get to the room and make sure Sauli's okay._

_"You didn't tell him which one you were at. Did you know your boyfriend doesn't like the sight of blood? I had to hold him up. He almost passed out," Neil calls from below but Adam doesn't respond. He has bigger things to worry about._

_The bandage is stark white in the semi-darkened room. He walks over to the bed as Sauli tosses and turns, pain evident in his movements. Adam sits down next to him and kisses his hair._

_He listens to his ragged breathing for a few minutes before standing up. He quickly strips and snuggles in behind him, wrapping his arm around his waist, careful to avoid his injured hand._

_Why did he turn his damn phone off? It should've been him with Sauli, not Neil._

_He sighs when Sauli seems to calm down in his arms._

_"I'm sorry baby," Adam whispers in his ear. "I should've been here for you."_

_Sauli rubs his head against the pillow and sighs in his sleep._

_"I'm so sorry….."_

* * *

Around four in the morning, Adam gives up on sleep and flips on the television, settling on a music station. Just his luck, one of his own music videos comes on. It's his favorite. It's also the very first one he ever did with a male love interest.

The fights with the label were legendary. They didn't think America was ready. They were afraid of the backlash.

Adam didn't care about the backlash. He didn't care if people weren't ready. He was ready. After three successful albums, and his love life plastered on every magazine and entertainment show, he had a hunch it was time.

Turns out he was right. The sultry song became his biggest hit. The music video was approaching a hundred million views.

He always thought it helped that the love interest in the video was his love interest in real life. People were used to seeing them together so it only made sense that Sauli star in the video with him. Getting Sauli to agree was a different story.

The fights with the label were nothing compared to the fights with Sauli. His lips lift in amusement as he recalls their heated discussions, and their even more heated make-up sex.

God, they were so in love back then. The chemistry and closeness they had on screen was nothing compared to what they had in real life.

Fuck, he still misses him. He misses being sworn at in a different language. It drove him crazy before, but he'd do anything to hear it again.

As he watches them kiss on screen, he knows it's past time to move forward. There's someone out there for him to love. They'll just have to settle for being second best.

* * *

_"Why don't we kiss anymore?" Sauli whispers against Adam's chest._

_"We kiss all the time."_

_Adam's heart skips a beat because it's the first time Sauli's acknowledged the change in their physical relationship. It happened so slowly, it was weeks before Adam realized it, and only because Sauli rolled over and fell asleep one night, instead of draping himself over Adam like he usually did. The way Adam liked. Like he is right now._

_"No, we don't," Sauli sighs with enough emotion to put him on edge._

_Adam's nerves have him chuckling awkwardly. He pulls Sauli's head up towards his but when he goes to kiss him, Sauli turns his cheek. Instead of showing the hurt he feels, Adam kisses his jaw and his neck, pretending everything is okay._

_"Do not kiss me to humor me," Sauli says angrily and tries to break away from him but Adam keeps his grip firm._

_"Hey, hey," he says when Sauli stops fighting. He cups Sauli's face in his hands. "I always want to kiss you, baby. Always," he stresses._

_"Then why don't you? Sometimes I feel like an, how do you say, after-thought?"_

_Adam pulls his lover back down to his chest. His hand caresses Sauli's back lazily while he thinks of something to say._

_Their sex life hasn't been on fire like it was in the beginning. But that's normal, right? Tonight's lastest attempt is just another example of how things have changed. It was one of those times where they couldn't seem to get in synch. It's happening more often lately. Must be one of those "ruts" he hears his married friends talk about._

_At least he hopes so because the alternative scares the shit out of him._

_"I know things have been different between us," he whispers._

_When Adam kisses the top of Sauli's head, Sauli squeezes him tight. It seems Adam's not the only one nervous about the changes in their relationship._

_"But don't ever doubt how much I love you. Okay?"_

_Sauli nods but doesn't say anything more. Neither does Adam._

 

_tbc....._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam does his promotion in Finland - including an interview with Katri before heading off to New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had some issues when I first tried to post the chapter.
> 
> Sorry for any confusion.

_Adam stands over Sauli's naked body lying on the wooden deck.  A cigarette is dangling from his lips, black lines his eyes.  He looks like he was fucked hard._

_A grin forms on Adam's lips as he snaps the picture._

_So. Fucking. Hot._

_And all his if Adam has anything to say about it._

_"What are you thinking?" Sauli asks him as he drags smoke into his lungs._

_"Those things will kill you," Adam admonishes._

_"That is not what you are thinking," Sauli comments, but he stuffs it out._

_"I'm thinking how sexy you look right now."  Adam tosses his phone onto a nearby chair before sitting astride his lover's hips._

_Sauli's cock slides along the crack of his ass.  Adam hisses between his teeth and leans down, opening himself up until so Sauli's rubbing over his opening with just the right amount of friction to make his own cock twitch with the beginnings of arousal._

_His eyes close in ecstasy as Sauli's hand touches him._

_"I'm thinking that I don't want anyone else fucking you."_

_Sauli freezes his movements.  Adam licks his lips before opening his eyes to stare into Sauli's._

_"What?"  Sauli shakes his head a little as if to clear out wayward thoughts.  "What do you mean?"_

_"I mean," Adam leans down to kiss him, letting his heart guide his words._

_"I don't want there to be anyone else.  Not for you.  Not for me."_

_"But, how," Sauli's words get lost in Adam's kiss._

_"Forget how for right now.  I don't want to kiss anyone else."  Adam places a kiss on Sauli's jaw.  His tongue following the amazing bone structure until he gets to his ear._

_"I don't want to date anyone but you."_

_He sucks a hickey onto Sauli's neck, right by the fairy.  Seeing his mark on Sauli's skin does things to him, brings out a possessive streak even he didn't know he was capable of._

_"I don't want anyone else but me fucking you."_

_He slides his cock over Sauli's tone stomach, moaning loudly.  The intense feelings this man brings out in him should scare him shitless, but they don't.  Not anymore._

_"Is that what you want?" He asks Sauli._

_Sauli nods as a drop of wetness falls from the corner of his eye.  Adam's heart drops when he sees it.  He kisses it away before rolling onto his side to hold Sauli close._

_"What is it baby?" Adam finally asks._

_"I love you," Sauli whispers._

_Adam grins like a fool.  He lifts Sauli's head to look into his eyes.  "I love you too."_

_They stare at each other until Sauli's nervousness slides away and a silly grin replaces it._

_"You do?"_

_"Yeah," Adam smiles widely, "I love you."_

_Everything is perfect._

 

* * * 

He does not want to do this interview.  Of all the ones scheduled for Finland, this is the only one making his hands sweat.  He's stuck between being happy at seeing an old friend and being scared shitless at seeing the same friend.   There's a hell of a lot more than water underneath that bridge.  

The door opens and he braces himself but it's not Katri.  It's a young woman with bright pink hair, gorgeous eyes and a welcoming smile.

"Follow me," she says in a cheerful voice before spinning on her combat boots.

He follows her down the hall to the set of the morning show Katri does entertainment news for.  He'd normally make all kinds of chit chat but there's just too much noise filling his head.  Will Katri be wielding a knife, or wearing a smile?  

If he's lucky, she'll have forgotten his drunken, voicemail rants after Sauli moved out.  It's not like she acknowledged them anyway.

He hears her laugh before he sees her and for the first time since he's landed, he feels relaxed.   

Same old Katri.

She squeals when she sees him and runs to hug him.  Adam envelopes her in his arms, happy and relieved that she's glad to see him.

"You look beautiful, as always."  He kisses the back of her hand with a dramatic flourish.  She bats her eyelashes at him and laughs.

Some things haven't changed.  

"And you are still a charmer," she laughs.  She was always laughing.  Just like Sauli.

God, he's missed hearing it.

"How are you?"

"Good, good."  She fills him in on her new job, all the new things going on in her life.  She was Sauli's friend before she became his friend, but in the aftermath of the breakup, they drifted apart. 

"How are you?" She asks with questioning eyes.

"I’m well.  Everything's good."  

He can tell she knows he's lying through his teeth.  His last attempt at a relationship is still tabloid fodder, even though it ended a while ago. Not that a couple months of high profile dates with one very in demand actor constitutes a relationship.

Fuck if he knows what to call it.  It was more than a mistake.  Dustin's description of experiment isn't quite right either.  

It eats at him that he was used for publicity.  He should know the signs by now.  He's been famous long enough to spot them, but apparently he's so starved for affection he couldn't tell when it was fake.

Katri's eyes seem to see into his mind.  Her smile fades and she gets a strange look on her face before she looks down at her desk.

"We can start now.  I made a promise that I won't ask about your love life, past or present."

"Katri, I didn't ask my publicists to tell you I wouldn't talk about it."

She gives him a soft, almost shy smile.  

"I promised Sauli."

"Oh."  What else is he supposed to say?  

"He," she chuckles nervously, "he is worried about the reporters here.  How they will treat you.  He is still protective of you."

His smile comes effortlessly.  "He was always protecting my privacy."

"Yes, that's our Sauli."

* * *

_"Why don't you ever talk about me?"_ _  
_

_"What do you mean?"_ _  
_

_"Your interview for the new ad campaign.  They asked about us and you said 'no comment,'" Adam points to his computer.  "You know, we've been together for a few years.  I think it's okay."_

_"I don't want to.  It's my life.  I do not need to share it with anyone."_

_"True, but maybe I'd like it.  I gush about you all the time.  I'm always telling reporters and fans how much I love you."_

_Sauli gives him a hard look.  "You think I do not love you because I do not shout it in public?"_

_"No," Adam answers fiercely.  "I don't think that."_

_Sauli straddles the chair Adam's sitting on and holds Adam's face in his hands._

_"What is bothering you?" Sauli asks in his 'I mean business' tone._

_It's both a blessing and a curse that Adam can never hide anything from him._

_"Just once it would be nice to see, that's all."  He has no explanation as to why, but he knows it would make him feel extra special, to see his boyfriend telling the world the things Sauli loves most about him._

_"But I tell you all the time.  It does not count?"_

_"Yes, it does.  I'm being stupid."_

_After studying him for an uncomfortably long time, Sauli nods and gives him a quick kiss before heading downstairs to fix breakfast._

_The next day he gets a text message from Sauli with a link to his blog.  He hasn't written in a while.  Adam didn't know he still had the thing._

_You'd think with all the technology in the world, there would be a better translation app by now, but he gets the gist once it's converted to English._

_It's everything he wanted but it doesn't make him feel like he thought it would.  A quick glance at the comments shows their fans are eating up the love letter, but if it was a piece of paper, Adam would crumple it up and burn it._

 

* * *

 

The interview is going along much better than Adam hoped.  Until Katri asks about the heartbreaking ballad, "Alone Again".  She didn't ask who the song was about.  She probably assumes, like everyone else, that it's about Dustin.  It was written shortly after he and Dustin split and was the last to make the album, so the timing makes sense.  Adam hasn't bothered to correct their conclusions. 

Until now.

"You wrote the lyrics on your arm? Really, Adam," she shakes her head at him, giving him a playful pat on the hand.

Adam laughs with Katri.  "I was hiking through the hills when the words just came to me.  When I got to my car, I grabbed a pen and started writing on the first thing I could find."

"Your arm?" Katri laughs, shaking her head.

"You gotta jot them down while their fresh," he says with a little shrug.  

Katri giggles, her eyes sparkling, and suddenly Adam has this driving need to tell her the real story.

"When I was hiking, I got to a plateau that overlooks the city.  I sat there, with all these memories flooding my mind.  I felt so lonely in that moment.  Sauli and I used to jog there.  All the time.  Even though we wouldn't talk much, I knew he was there.  I could hear his breathing, hear his feet hitting the ground but it was more than that.  He was a part of me. I knew I wasn't alone, you know?"

She looks a little stunned but nods at him to continue.

"I could still sense Sauli's presence the first few times I went there after we broke up.  The morning I wrote the song was the first time I didn't, and it hit me that he was truly gone from my life, and that I was alone again."

Katri looks like she's about to cry so he tries to bring that conversation to an end.

"Sometimes it's hard to move on," he says simply.

"But you've dated since then."

Adam nods.  "I have, but I guess I always had this tiny bit of hope that Sauli would come back."  

Katri gives him an odd look and says, very seriously, "They say time heals."

"Does it?  Or do you move on because you have no choice?  The jury's still out for me."

He never meant to confess all that, never meant to sound so depressing, but that was how it happened.  He probably wouldn't have said anything at all if she didn't bring up the song.  Even though she was only joking and keeping it light, it felt right to tell her.  

Katri would understand.  She'd get it like no other reporter would.  She knew their history.  She knew what he and Sauli meant to each other.  

"Will Sauli be mad?"  Adam asks nervously when they're done.  Sauli's a celebrity in his own right in this country and Adam doesn't want to make his life more difficult.

She gives him a reassuring smile.  "I will edit it out.  Do you have time to join me for a quick bite?"

Ignoring the frantic head shaking of his assistant, he responds, "I'd love to."

* * *

_"Two years baby!"_

_Two years since Sauli moved to Los Angeles to live with Adam.  It was when they really began their life together.  It's a day they've vowed to always celebrate._

_Sauli gives him a deep, long, soul stirring kiss.  He tastes like champagne and spicy chicken, courtesy of their anniversary dinner.  When it ends he lays his head on Adam's chest._

_"I love you, Sauli."_

_Adam runs his hands over his boyfriend's back while placing kisses over his short, spiky hair._

_"Promise you won't leave me," Sauli whispers._

_Adam squeezes him tight.  "Never."_

_"You could find someone else."  Sauli's voice is small, scared - a tone Adam's never heard before._

_"What?  Where is this coming from?"_

_He pulls back until he can see Sauli's face and is surprised to find genuine doubts in his eyes._

_"Sweetie.  Talk to me."_

_"Neither of us have been in long relationships."_

_Adam takes Sauli's face in his hands and forces him to meet his eyes._

_"I won't ever leave you.  If anyone leaves it will be you.  And why the hell are we talking about this on our anniversary?"_

_Sauli throws his arms around his neck.  He climbs up to wrap his legs around Adam's waist._

_"I do not know.  A moment of doubt.  I promise to never leave you too."_

_"Yeah?" Adam asks smiling, glad to see Sauli's worked himself out of his strange mood._

_"Yeah," Sauli repeats._

_Sauli's still grinning when Adam kisses him._

 

* * *

 

The flight to Heathrow barely gives him time to figure out if he's relieved or disappointed that he didn't see Sauli.

He was dying to ask Katri about him during their very quick lunch but he couldn't drum up the nerve. He can stand on a stage in front of thousands of people and perform.  But he can't make himself ask about his ex. 

If only he was as confident in his personal life as he was in his professional, he'd know everything important about Sauli.

Like if he was happy.  If he had a child yet.  If he loved his husband which was the dumbest question of all.  Of course Sauli loved the man.  He'd never marry anyone he didn't.

He was such an idiot for spilling his guts to Katri.  He told her things he didn't tell his closest friends.  He only knows it felt right at the time.  Probably because he knew he wouldn't see her again.  At least not for a very long time.  He wouldn't have to constantly see the look of pity in her eyes like he would if he told his friends.

His face warms with embarrassement over the things he confessed to her.  He can only trust her word that she'll edit it out, like she promised.  

If it ever became public, he'd look like a love sick idiot.  It's one thing for him to know it.  It's something else for the world to know it.

Adam quickly grabs his overhead bag when he lands, letting his assistant grab the luggage from baggage claim.  It's not the diva in him that's stopped him from getting it himself.  It's the mob scene it will create if he does so.

He finds the man, holding up the sign with his name on it and follows him to a sleek, black vehicle.  He's too tired to care about the make of the car.  

Thankfully the drive to the hotel doesn’t take long and he's checked in and lying on the bed in no time at all.

Maybe he can sleep now that he's not in Sauli's homeland.  

Maybe.

If he's lucky.

 

* * *

_Gentle fingers tracing over his brow, his cheek, then his lips have Adam's eyes blinking open._

_"Morning my love."_

_Sauli's softly spoken words, the look of joy in his eyes, has Adam grinning like a fool._

_Three years together and seeing Sauli's face first thing in the morning still has his body tingling._

_He can't wait to see what he'll feel like in fifty years.   He figures it won't be far off what he's feeling today._

_"Sleep well?"_

_Adam nods and raises his arms over his head before catching Sauli by surprise and flipping them over._

_"You like to watch me sleep, huh?"  Adam's voice is hoarse from slumber._

_Sauli chuckles and nods.  "You drool."_

_"I do not," Adam laughs.  "Okay, maybe a little," he concedes._

_"I like to watch your eyes flutter while you dream.  I wonder what you dream about."_

_"You," Adam kisses him quickly.  "I dream about you."_

_Sauli scoffs so Adam has no choice but to tickle him until Sauli clutches his sides and pleads for mercy._

_"Stop.  Stop.  I can't breathe," Sauli pants._

_Adam relents and lays on his side, staring at his partner.  He's light and joy and happiness and all good things rolled into one package._

_"You're gorgeous and I'd love to stay in bed all day with you but we have places to be."_

_He climbs out of bed, stretches to get the kinks out of his muscles and heads for the bathroom._

_"Nice view," Sauli says huskily.  "Do that again?"_

_"Do what?"_

_"Stretch," Sauli almost purrs as he crawls to the end of the bed._

_"You're weird."  Adam laughs but does as he's asked._

_"Fuck. Me."  Sauli whispers.  He pulls Adam down to the bed._

_"I guess we can be a little late," he murmurs._

_  
_

* * *

The three days in London pass by in a blur of photoshoots, interviews and appearances.  

Before he knows it, he's sitting in the terminal waiting for the announcement to board the plane.  

He pulls the ball cap down, keeping his back to the rest of the people waiting to get on the plane.  

He doesn't want to be recognized.  He's feeling too melancholy to sign autographs and put on a happy face.

Hell, he can't remember the last time he felt real happiness.   

Adam flips through his phone, looking for a song that will fit his mood when he hears a sound he hasn't heard in years.

He rips his headphones out of his ears and spins around, glancing through the tired faces when he hears it again.

He licks his dry lips before turning his head to the man against the wall, phone pressed to his ear.  His hair is dark brown, he has a trimmed beard and he looks like he lost ten pounds he couldn't afford to lose - but his eyes are still the same.

When his trip to Finland ended with no sight of him, Adam thought he'd never see Sauli again.  

Yet, here he is.  Not a memory, nor a vision.  

He spins back around and starts playing on his phone while he tries to figure out what to do.  His heart's beating so fast he's afraid he's having a heartattack.  He stares at his phone while shock and indecision leave him paralyzed.

Does he say hi?  Does he pretend he hasn't noticed him?  Does he wait until they arrive in New York? 

Is Sauli talking to his husband?  The laugh seemed intimate, one Adam used to hear on lazy Sunday mornings when Sauli would tease and tickle him before they would make love.  Adam's heart sinks at the memories, at the fact that some other man gets to hear it.  He feels worse now than he did before he knew Sauli was there.

The call for first class comes and Adam boards without a backward glance.

 

tbc....


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam and Sauli take the same flight back to NY. Adam tries to work up the nerve to approach him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for their comments. I'm glad you like to story so far.
> 
> Next update will be on Wednesday.

_"Come on, Adam," Sauli teases. "It'll be fun."_

_"Everyone will know," Adam whispers back, pushing Sauli's hands away._

_"So, who cares?" Sauli runs his fingertips up and down Adam's thigh, sending delicious currents of electricity straight to his dick. He'd kill for a large bed right about now._

_He's already hard as a rock, thanks to the last half hour of attention from Sauli._

_"We're already in the mile-high club, baby. We don't have to do it again."_

_"But I want to," Sauli pouts but his eyes are turning dark, like they do when he's beginning to get really turned on."_

_"I don't need a headline about us fucking on a plane," he hisses, a little sharper than he intended, but damn it, his cock is hard as a rock when he can't do anything about it._

_Sauli pulls back so suddenly, Adam's surprised he didn't fall into the aisle. Adam pastes on a smile to calm the uncertain look on the stewardess face glancing their way._

_"Please, don't make a scene," but he's talking to nobody because Sauli left to use the rest room by himself._

_Adam glances at the closed door, then out the window, then at the closed door again. Almost all of first class are sleeping, he could easily slip in, couldn't he?_

_He groans, closes his eyes, and taps his head against the seat. This was a lot easier when he wasn't famous._

_"Fuck it," he murmurs to himself as he stands but he's too late. Sauli's on his way back._

_"I was just going…," he begins to explain but Sauli cuts him off._

_"Forget it," Sauli snaps with enough anger and hurt to let Adam know he's not happy._

_"Did you?" He asks then stops because he's not quite sure he wants to know the answer._

_He doesn't get an answer. Sauli flattens his seat and turns his back to him. The attitude pisses him off. He didn't do anything wrong here._

_"You're angry because I turned you down," he puffs out in a heated whisper._

_"No. I am angry because you are more worried about your damn image." Sauli sighs heavily and rolls over. His eyes are slightly wounded, but his body is a little more relaxed than it was a moment ago. Sauli could never stay angry for long. "You never used to be."_

_Adam swallows hard. "Things are different now."_

_Sauli studies him for a minute before nodding and closing his eyes. "Yes, they are."_

* * *

Why is it that fucking memory playing in his brain? Why can't it be all the other happy memories?

Sauli's probably making small talk with the person next to him, while Adam's stuck in the past. Always stuck in the past.

Hell, Sauli will probably have another best friend when they exit. Adam will just have a scowl.

God damn it! Why did he have to see him now? It's worse because he can't get up and walk away. He's stuck on this flight, knowing he's on it too.

He wants to walk back to coach, find Sauli, talk to him, see why he's going to New York. It's killing him to know he's so close, but who's to say Sauli even wants to see him. He's still in his honeymoon stage. He's happy. He deserves to stay that way without reminders of his past.

Adam does not want Sauli to look at him with pity. That's what happens when you're happy with someone new and you run into an ex that is still single. You can't help feel a little sorry for them, and Adam would shave his head to avoid that look from Sauli.

Flying with Sauli was as much fun as reaching their destination. Sauli would make up these elaborate stories about some of the people they saw at the airport, or in flight - nothing mean spirited though. Sauli didn’t have a mean bone in his body. Instead they would be these far out stories of Princes hiding as ordinary businessmen, or a determined looking girl eventually becoming the first woman President.

One time they saw a famous rapper and Sauli spent a six hour flight coming up with one rap song after another about the silliest things. He was such a damn goof ball and he always made Adam laugh.

So, why is he remembering the one time they got into a tiff on a plane instead of all the wonderful times?

Is it guilt? Regret? A little of both?

“Excuse me, Sara?”

“Yes, Mr. Lambert?”

He knows better than to ask to be called Adam. Hundreds of flights have taught him that lesson. Even though they make him feel like his father, he bites his tongue.

“I think I saw someone I know board the plane. In coach. Is it possible to get a message to him?”

He was going to ask if Sauli could take the open seat next to him but he didn’t want to put him on the spot, plus he wasn’t sure he could sit next to him for that long. Wasn’t sure what he would say and the thought of awkward pauses between them leaves him feeling anxious. Until the last few weeks together, they never had a problem communicating. Not even in the beginning when, granted it was a struggle sometimes, but they could share a look or a smile and knew what they were trying to tell each other.

Sitting through silence while Sauli fidgeted with something to say would be just another reminder at what he lost.

“Sure, Mr. Lambert. If you want to jot a note, I’ll be happy to make sure your friend received it.”

Friend. If only.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she replies with a warm smile.

He pulls the supplies from his bag but pauses with the pen hovering the paper.

What the hell does he write?

* * *

_Adam tucks the love letter into Sauli’s wallet, behind his ID. He felt a little silly writing it but it’s what’s in his heart. He tells Sauli he loves him all the time but sometimes what he really wants to say gets stuck inside and he can’t find the write words, which makes no sense since he gets paid to write lyrics._

_But this is cheesy and corny, which makes it perfect his boyfriend. He’s lost count of the letters he’s found when he was on the road. It’s about time Sauli had one to read too._

_“You have everything?” He asks when Sauli appears._

_“I wish you could come,” Sauli pouts._

_Adam wants to but this is Sauli’s career and he doesn’t want to take the focus off him. Who knew the photos Sauli had done would open a door to print modeling? It’s not high end stuff, but it’s not peanuts either, and it gives Sauli a sense of accomplishment._

_As he once said, he wouldn’t be happy sitting at home being a boyfriend only._

_“Next time,” Adam promises._

_They kiss goodbye and he watches Sauli leave, a strange silence settles on the house. He briefly wonders if this is what Sauli feels like whenever he leaves on a business trip._

_He putts around the house, takes a swim, dabbles with some lyrics - killing time until he gets a call that Sauli’s landed._

_It comes later that night._

_“Hey baby. I already miss you,” Adam confesses._

_“Adam,” Sauli pauses and Adam wonders what the hesitation is about._

_“What?”_

_“I found your note.”_

_“You did?” Adam smiles into the phone._

_“Yes. I’m keeping it.”_

_Sauli’s voice is low, intimate and Adam wishes he went with him._

_“I meant every word,” he stresses, no longer caring if the words weren’t perfect. The emotion behind them was and he can tell Sauli understands that._

_“I know. I love you too.”_

_It’s amazing how Sauli can make him feel like a hero for the smallest things. He makes a vow to himself to speak what’s in his heart more often._

* * *

Adam’s written and crumpled up more notes than he cares to admit. If he could get past the first line everything would flow, he's sure of it, but all he comes up with is stupid, lame ass beginnings. “Hi Sauli, it’s Adam” or variations of that aren’t going to cut it.

Would it be too forward to ask if they could meet for dinner while they’re both in New York? Not that Adam knows if Sauli is even staying in New York for a while.

Before he can come up with something more eloquent to write, it’s time to prepare for landing.

He stuffs the balled up pieces of paper into his bag and buckles his seatbelt, angry at himself for letting this opportunity pass by.

The skyline comes into view but Adam is picturing the first time he flew into LA with Sauli. He was pointing out all the landmarks of the city, just as Sauli had done when they flew into Helsinki together.

They land without fanfare. He grabs his carryon and exists the plane. He tries to find Sauli while in line at customs but doesn’t see him. His heart sinks further when he doesn’t find him at the baggage claim either.

Adam loves flying first class, but today he’d kill to be in coach where he wasn’t ushered through special lines without waits. He’d be stuck in line with all the time to study his ex, maybe hear him laugh at something someone next to him says. He'd have time to work out what he would say.

A driver helps him with his luggage and they’re about to leave when Adam panics. He fumbles with the controls, his heart racing, his palms sweating as the car pulls away from the curb. The divider rolls down and he almost yells at the driver.

“Turn around.” He whips his head around, watching the terminal doors getting smaller, praying Sauli hasn’t left yet. “Please, I forgot something.”

Their eyes meet in the rear view mirror. The driver studies him for a minute and Adam knows the older man is thinking he’s some crazy celebrity. Frankly, he doesn't give a shit right now. All he can think about is Sauli slipping away again.

“Mr. Lambert, the traffic will be a nightmare if we don’t leave now.”

“Please,” he begs. Anxiety overcomes him, and he knows if he lets this chance pass by, there will never be another one.

The driver knows better than arguing with a rich client so he makes a turn to take them back to the terminal they just left.

“Thank you,” Adam exhales a heavy breath.

He shifts in his seat, plays with his rings, until he sees the doors come into view, and the man he’s looking for walking to the curb, signaling for a cab.

Adam rolls down the window and leans out, oblivious to the stares as he yells Sauli’s name but Sauli doesn’t seem to hear him. He’s smiling at the taxi driver and waving his hand towards the bag next to him on the ground.

Adam runs up behind him and stops suddenly. His hands thread through his hair while he tries to gather his wits.

He's two feet away from Sauli. Closer than he's been in far too long. He does the same thing he did that first night they met.

He taps the slender shoulder but instead of waiting with excitement, he braces for rejection.

* * *

_Man, he’s cute, Adam thinks to himself for the hundredth time that night. He’s caught the guy's eyes a couple of times so why isn’t he coming over like all the other fanboys?_

_They make eye contact again, and Adam tries pleading with him to come over but the man blinks away and goes back to talking and joking with his friends._

_He goes back to scanning the crowd for a guy who looks a little more interested in spending the night with him. There's a few all right but none of them intrigue him like the man by the bar._

_He's really fucking hot, he thinks again. From what he can see, he's got a tight ass, muscular legs, killer jaw and extremely kissable lips._

_Yet again, their eyes meet and hold a little longer this time. Adam raises his brow in invitation. The guy tilts his head, smiles and turns back to his friends._

_Adam’s had enough. He’s a little buzzed and horny, and of everyone in the bar, the man with the blue eyes, and chiseled jaw is the man he wants to fuck tonight. Nobody else comes close._

_If the guy says no, Adam will jerk himself off to a picture of the man on his hands and knees, ass in the air, hands clutching the sheets._

_He strolls over, not caring what anyone is thinking and taps on his shoulder and feels toned muscle., heat and electricity._

_Then the guy turns his head and smiles – and Adam already knows his life is about to change forever._

 

_tbc...._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam and Sauli come face to face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glad you all like the story so far. Look for next part on Sunday. (sorry but I'll be out of town on business for a couple of days)

“Oh,” Sauli tells him, looking a little shy, which is really quite adorable and Adam would be grinning if he wasn’t feeling uncomfortable himself.  “I didn’t notice you.”

Adam lets out his own nervous laugh.  “Yeah, I didn’t think you had.”

“Sir, I’m ready.”

They both look at the driver, both surprised to find him standing there, lost in their own little reunion world.

“Oh, right,” Sauli mutters.  “Well, it was good to see you Adam.” He says and this time he looks like he means it which goes a long way in relaxing Adam’s tense shoulders.

“Are you visiting for a while?” Adam asks, trying to delay the conversation as long as possible. 

He’ll throw a hundred dollar bill at the driver as a tip if he has to.  In fact...

“Here,” he says, walking to the front of the cab while pulling out his wallet.  “I’ll give him a ride but take this for your trouble.”

“Adam, I don’t think,” Sauli starts but Adam ignores him to give the man sitting in the driver’s seat his full attention.

The man looks at the bill then at Adam.  He blinks twice.  “You’re Adam Lambert.”

Adam winces but nods then smiles.  “Yes.”  He tilts his head towards Sauli.  “He’s an old friend I haven’t seen in a while,” and fuck if this story doesn’t get sold to the press but he just can’t seem to care right now.  “Do you mind?” he motions to the trunk where the suitcases are stored.

“Oh sure.”  The driver gets out and helps Adam with the items while Sauli stands back looking a little dazed, which, to be fair he probably is.  Adam had advance notice of this.  Sauli was blindsided.

 “My kids love you.  They play your album all the time.”

“Really?” He smiles.  This is easy.  Offering your autograph, making small talk, getting the man’s information so Adam can have back stage passes for him the next time he performs in the area.  Hopefully that will stop any gossip the man might want to pass on.

“Thank you so much, Mr. Lambert,” The man gushes as he pumps his hand enthusiastically.

“No problem.  Thank you for understanding.”

It doesn’t go unnoticed that Sauli hasn’t a word since Adam took charge.  He’s stood there, staring at Adam, then at the taxi but hadn’t spoken at all.

Which has Adam wondering if he did the wrong thing?  In his experience, it’s not a good thing when Sauli’s quiet.

* * * 

_“Look, Sauli.  I just don’t think it’s the right time, okay?”_

_Sauli crosses his arms over his chest and stares at him, almost daring him to continue.  And because Adam has this thing about digging holes deeper, he does just that._

_“Maybe next year.  But not now.  I’m about to start the world tour.  I’m deep into rehearsals.”_

_He steals a quick peek at his partner, who only raises his eyebrow.  Somehow that little gesture feels like he’s being mocked instead of being taken seriously with his doubts._

_“If we do this.  Have a civil union, marriage, whatever you want to call it, well I want to be home, I don’t want to be on the road.  Doesn’t that seem strange?  We basically get hitched then I leave town for months?  It seems weird to me. “_

_His boyfriend stays conspicuously quiet, which has Adam’s nerves strung out further._

_“I’m flattered you want to tie yourself to me like that…”_

_Sauli’s grunt has Adam squeezing his eyes shut as he stares at the floor._

_“I didn’t mean that like it sounded.”  He looks up but doesn’t see any sign of hurt in Sauli’s eyes.  Acceptance maybe?  “Let’s discuss it when the tour is over.”_

_Sauli’s grunt has Adam squeezing his eyes shut as he stares at the floor._

_"Fine,” comes the curt reply._

_Not okay.  Not sure, but fine, which means it’s anything but fine. Never mind that his voice is flat with no emotion.  But the worst part is the way he avoids looking at Adam._

_“I promise.  We will talk about it,” he stresses as best he can._

_Sauli nods his head and quickly leaves the room.  Adam hears him descending the stairs to the first floor, his footsteps unusually heavy._

_Adam sighs into the empty room, thankful for the reprieve but wondering at what cost, because the Sauli that left isn’t the Sauli he knows._

_* * *_

They never did talk about it, and a few months later Sauli moved out. He should’ve known something was wrong when Sauli just stood there and listened while Adam went down his long list of why they needed to wait – his delay tactics really.   When Sauli’s emotions are involved, he gets loud, and impatient, and his hands go flying around and he starts sprinkling Finnish words here and there.

“What was that all about?”  Sauli asks with curiosity, snapping Adam back to the present.   There’s no hint of anger or indifference, thankfully.  He’s not sure how he’d react to that.

“Why is this so awkward?” He asks instead on a blown out breath, to which Sauli’s lips twitch and finally - finally, there’s a smile on his face.

“I don’t know,” Sauli chuckles, sounding like the Sauli of old.  “It’s good to see you. You look amazing,” he grins, looking Adam over quickly.

“So do you.  Come on, let’s get your bags in my car since I dismissed your cab.  We can talk in private then.”

“Um, okay.  Yeah, sure,” Sauli mumbles.  Both their hands reach for the same suitcase but they jerk away like they’ve been burned, when they touch.

They stare at each other with bugged out eyes for a moment before Sauli’s lips twitch and they’re both laughing as they each grab a piece of luggage. 

It feels good to laugh with him again.

So fucking good.

“What brings you to New York,” Adam asks once they’re on the road. 

Sauli gives him a strange look.  “I live here.”

“Since when?” Adam asks a little sharper than he intended.

“Couple of years.”

“Wow.  I had no idea you moved back to America.”

All the times he visited the city, Sauli was there.  They could’ve had dinner, seen each other, maybe start a new beginning before too much time passed.

“I never moved out of America,” Sauli answers, surprising Adam even more.

“Where did you go?”  He doesn’t need to add ‘when you moved out’. 

“Joanna’s.”

Adam gapes at him.  “You were in LA?”

Sauli nods, wipes his hands on his jeans before answering.  “Yes.  I was there for a few months before I moved here.”

“I assumed you went back home.”   It’s what he would’ve done.  Hell, he flew to Finland a month after they split, to talk to him, not that it did any good.  I found you there.”

“I needed to get away.  I never planned on moving back.  LA was my home.”

* * *

_“I have something I want to say.  Let me finish first, okay?”_

_Adam tries to give what he thinks is a reassuring smile but through the webcam who knows how it comes out._

_“If this, what did you call it, trial run?”_

_Adam smiles at the cute way Sauli’s nose scrunches up, the way his chin is relaxed on his knee._

_“You mean when you come for Tutka?”_

_“Yes.” Sauli nods.  He can tell Sauli’s playing with something off camera.  A ball or something similar judging by the way his arm is moving._

_“If it does not work out.  If you get tired of me.  It is all right.”_

_Adam frowns.  “Why would you think I’d get tired of you?  I can’t wait to have you here.”_

_Sauli’s eyes seem to melt and he gives him a smile.  “Me too.”_

_“I want you to feel at home here.”_

_“But it is different if I am there always.”_

_“Instead of visiting?”  Adam finishes.  When Sauli nods, Adam continues.  “I know it’s going to be an adjustment.  I’ve never lived with anyone.  But, Sauli, I’m not scared.  I’m excited!”  He laughs.   “I can’t wait for you to be here all the time.  I’m tired of talking to you through a computer.”_

_“You do not like it when my face freezes like this…” He makes a crooked smile that has Adam laughing._

_“No, although it is pretty funny.”_

_“Unless we are sex skyping.”_

_Adam makes a disgusted face.  “Yeah, then no.”_

_They share a laugh._

_“I cannot wait to start a life with you,” Sauli tells him, completely catching him off guard._

_Adam blinks hard, fighting his rising emotions.  He’ll be sharing a life, a home, with the man he loves, with a man who loves him enough to leave everything behind._

_Sauli may think it’s a temporary arrangement but Adam’s already thinking well into the future._  

* * *

“Why did you leave LA then?”

Sauli stares at the buildings passing by.  “It was time.”

“I imagine it is easier to find work in New York.  I assume you are still modeling.”

“There is that,” Sauli says, still not looking at Adam.

 Based on his answer, Adam figures there were multiple reasons for moving to the East Coast. 

“Is your husband from New York.”

He's not sure where the question came from.  HHe wishes he could take the words back, especially when Sauli whips his head around to glare at him.

“I didn’t mean to pry.”  Sure you didn’t, a little voice whispers but he blocks it out.  “Neil told me you were getting married.”

Jesus, he feels like a complete idiot.  They were talking, at least a little bit, even if it was difficult and jointed, they were managing, until he opened his big mouth.

He can tell Sauli is not interested in the subject matter so he attempts to change it, except he can’t think of anything to say.  He opens and closes his mouth multiple times only to have nothing come to mind.

The car stops in front of a building not far from Chinatown. It looks a little worn down and he wonders how safe it is to live here.

Adam waits for the driver to get the bags and open the door.  He wishes Sauli would say something but too much time has gone by without a word.

“It’s been really good to see you,” he tries to at least make the end pleasant.  “Maybe we can see each other again when I’m in town.”

He offers but he knows it won’t happen and he’s suddenly depressed over the thought. 

Their meeting always played out differently in his mind.  He assumed they would laugh, share memories, and catch up, basically giving him the closure he still needs. 

Time has a way of making things clearer and he figured he’d get the answers to the questions he was too afraid to ask back then.

“Maybe,” Sauli simply says before climbing out the car. 

Adam leans his head against the back of the seat; his eyes closed tight, his hands in fists on his legs. 

Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.

He was so damned close.

The words are spoken so softly he almost missed them.

“I’m not married.”

 

Tbc…..

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam and Sauli have a very uncomfortable conversation on the sidewalk in front of Sauli's house. Then, Adam makes a call to Neil looking for advise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a flashback scene that's pretty sad. Adam is drunk and says some not so nice things about Sauli, before he breaks down. It's emotional so be warned. 
> 
> Look for next update Wednesday.

  
Adam slowly drops his hand and turns his head. Sauli's arms rest against the roof, his head turned to look to the side, his foot tapping nervously against the floor of the open door.  
  
Sauli's jaw flexes over and over before letting out a disbelieving chuckle. "It didn't work out." He tries for indifference with the slight shrug of his shoulders but his hesitation and body language tells Adam the breakup was anything but amicable. On one hand, it bothers him to know Sauli got hurt. On the other, there's an overwhelming sense of relief.  
  
"I'm sorry," he replies automatically because that's the polite thing to say.  
  
He attempts to hide his real emotions and aims for a sympathetic look. He's not entirely sure he pulled it off, but telling him, "Does that mean I can kiss you?" or begging on his knees for another chance are not the politically correct thing to say or do. Not that he's ever really PC but this is Sauli, and it's clear Sauli cared about his ex. Gleefully smiling over his heartbreak is not what Sauli deserves, nor will it gain Adam any brownie points.  
  
He wishes he had the right to ask what happened, to give him a comforting hug.  It's obvious Sauli went through a lot of pain, is still going through by the looks of it.  Having been there before, he doesn't wish it on anyone.  Not even the man who caused his own misery.  
  
"Yeah, well. Thanks."  
  
Sauli steps away from the door to get his luggage. Adam scrambles to follow.  
  
"Do you like it here?" Adam asks, looking up at the building.  
  
"It's okay. The view from the roof is magnificent."  
  
"I bet. Stars forever?"  
  
"Yes. On a clear night, it's breath taking." Sauli takes the handle from the driver and fiddles with his shoulder bag. "Thank you for the ride."  
  
"No problem."  
  
They stand together on the street, both looking at their feet, neither knowing what to say. The uncomfortable silence weighs heavily in the air.  
  
Adam wants to ask if he can call him sometime, except he doesn't have Sauli's phone number anymore. He deleted that when he got back from chasing his ex half way around the world. He's surprised he didn't break his phone with the violence he used when pressing the buttons that would sever the ties between them. Asking for his number will only lead to questions he doesn't want to answer.  
  
* * *  
  
 _"Fuck you Sauli," Adam lifts the bottle in the air. Another toast to his ex. "May you one day get your heart ripped out."  
  
He gulps down a large portion, wiping his chin with his hand when it dribbles out of his mouth.  
  
"Adam, I think you've had enough."  
  
"Fuck you too Neil."  
  
He holds the bottle high over his head, knowing his brother will never reach it. He's almost at the roaring drunk stage but he's not there yet. He can't get there fast enough.  
  
Humiliation washes over him when he thinks about how he flew all that way and begged - BEGGED - Sauli for another chance, only to be told no.  
  
It hurts. God, it hurts so damned much. More than anything he's ever been through. He feels like he could die from the crushing pain in his chest.  
  
"I should never have approached him in that fucking bar."  
  
"That's the booze talking."  
  
Adam shakes his head viciously. A little more liquor and maybe he'll be able to sleep tonight without seeing the look of disappointment on Sauli's face. Picturing it now sends him to his knees in misery, the bottle falling out of his hand to roll away.  
  
"What did I do wrong?" He sobs, his face in his hands. He feels Neil's arms around him, soothing him. He wraps his arms around him and clings tightly as he cries like he's never done before.  
  
The pent up emotions - pain, hurt, frustration, anger - all come out on his brother's shoulder.  
  
"I thought he loved me. He said he loved me."  
  
He also said he would never leave but he lied. It was all one giant fucking lie.  
  
"Shhhh," Neil murmurs.  
  
"Oh God. How am I going to live without him?"  
  
"I'll help you. We'll all help you, Adam. It'll be okay. You have so many people who love you."  
  
"But not him," he whines, throwing himself away from Neil to curl into a ball on the floor.  
  
The one person he wants love from more than anyone else, is the one person he doesn't have.  His shoulders shake uncontrollably, his stomach heaves from the exertion of crying so hard but the tears don't stop.  
  
He wonders if they ever will.  
_  
* * *  
  
The car ride to the hotel is over before it began.  Adam goes through the motions of checking in and heading to his room.  He's back on autopilot.  His mind is still on the sidewalk outside Sauli's place.  
  
His emotions are complex when it comes to his ex.  As much as he wanted to ask him to dinner, out for a drink - anything - he's terrified of opening the old wounds.  Nobody impacted his life the way Sauli did.  Nobody hurt him the way Sauli did. Talk about a double edged sword.  
  
Around Sauli, he was himself.  Goofy when he wanted, sexy when he was in the mood.  Scared, insecure, happy, romantic - he could be it all and Sauli loved him.  He'd felt safe in a way he never had before.  No matter what he did or said, he was loved.  He knew it.  He felt it.   
  
Then he lost it.  And it nearly destroyed him.   
  
Is he ready to be vulnerable again?  That's assuming Sauli would be willing.  There was nothing in their brief conversation that gave Adam any inkling he was open to the suggestion.  He laughs over the idea that he's twisted in knots when Sauli feels nothing.   
  
Christ, he needs to talk to someone about all this crap.  Someone who can cut through the bullshit flying around in his mind.  Someone who isn't afraid to piss him off or tell him to grow a pair.  
  
"Bro, what's up?" Neil's in a playful mood today, which means his nephew isn't acting like the tiny terror he sometimes is.   
  
It's remarkable how domesticated Neil's become.  Married with a gorgeous kid.  He can't believe Eric's almost two now.   Man, where does the time go?   
  
It's good to hear his voice.  He's missed him.  Globe trotting sounds exciting but it gets lonely as hell.  There's only a few people he trusts but none of them like he trusts Neil.  
  
"Guess who was on my plane?"  He begins because he's not sure exactly how to ease into it.  
  
"Scarlett Johansson."  
  
"You wish.  Guess again."  
  
He knows he's buying time but Neil was the one who helped put him back together again.  He needs a little time to steel his nerves for what Neil will say.   
  
"Does he play for your team or does she play for mine?"  
  
"Mine.  Definitely mine."  
  
"Hmmm, the tone of your voice is interesting.  I'm guessing it's someone you know."  
  
Adam grunts out his response.  "Yeah, you could say that.  It was Sauli," Adam tells him simply.  Although there's nothing simple about the situation.  
  
"No shit!"  He hears Julia yelling at Neil to keep his voice down.  Neil says something to her but the only thing he makes out is "Sorry."  
  
"You are fucking pussy whipped."  
  
"Asshole."   
  
Even the familiar banter doesn't relieve his stress.  He runs a hand through his hair.  He's a mess.  
  
Adam hears a sliding door and can picture Neil taking a seat on the deck.  
  
"So, did you talk to him?"  
  
No beating around the bush for his brother.  He goes straight for the jugular.  
  
"Yes.  Actually, I gave him a ride home from the airport."  
  
A long whistle.  "And?"  
  
"And what?"  
  
"Honestly Adam.  Sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get anything out of you."  
  
"He's not married," Adam responds.  "Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"Because you didn't seem to care one way or the other."  
  
Maybe Neil has a point but finding out he was getting married is a hell of a lot different than finding out he didn't.  His brother's not as smart as he thinks he is if he didn't know that.  
  
"Who called it off?"   
  
He can pester Neil for an answer to the question that's been on his mind since Sauli said he wasn't married.  Something he was dying to ask Sauli but knew it wasn't his right.  
  
"Adam, it's not place to tell and why are you so curious anyway?"  
  
The phone stays silent as Adam figures out how to answer that without giving too much away.  
  
"I knew you weren't over him."  The triumphant tone of Neil's voice has Adam grinding his teeth.  
  
"I'm just wondering.  It's normal you know. It doesn't mean anything." He tells him defensively.  
  
"Sure, sure.  Anyway, if you want to know you'll have to ask him."  
  
"Yeah, well, kinda hard do to that when I have no way to contact him."  
  
"Call him."  
  
If it were that easy.  You'd think Neil never went through a breakup like he and Sauli had.  Then again, everything is black and white to Neil.   
  
"I'm not sure that's a good idea."  
  
He's positive it's a terrible idea actually.  
  
"Listen, Adam.  Don't you find it telling that it's so hard for you after all this time?  If you were over him do you think you'd be tied up in knots?  And don't tell me you aren't.  I can hear it in your voice."  
  
Adam squeezes his eyes shut and takes a deep breath.  
.  
"But do I want him back or do I just want closure?"  The answer to that is what's at the core of his indecision.  He's frightened of the answer either way.  
  
"You need to call him," Neil tells him a voice so gentle you'd think he was talking to his son.  
  
"Don't have his number."  
  
"Do you want it?"  
  
The moment of truth.   Does he or doesn't he?    
  
* * *  
  
 _Adam's fingers trace over the arch of Sauli's eyebrows, down the length of his nose, over his lips.  The man in his arms barely stirs.  Jetlag and lack of sleep have caught up to his new lover.  
  
He lays on his back and pulls Sauli to him, loving the way he fits perfectly in the curve of his body.   His lips gently kiss Sauli's forehead before he rubs his cheek against it.   He wants to squeeze him but he's afraid to wake him up so he settles for running his hand up and down his arm.  
  
A few minutes later, after leaving soft kisses all over Sauli's face, he quietly rolls out of bed.  He pulls on a pair of boxers, carefully steps over the discarded clothes and shoes, and sits in the chair by the desk.   
  
He grabs his Iphone and thumbs through the songs, trying to find one to fit his mood.  He settles on a Pink song, letting the lyrics wash over him as he stares at the sleeping form on his bed.   
  
Where is this headed?   What are they doing?   How in the hell would this ever work?  This goes beyond the definition of long term relationship.  
  
He has no answers for the questions.  He hugs his arms around his legs and drops his head to his knees.  So many unanswered questions.  They've moved beyond casual sex to something more, something that Adam suspects could be pretty wonderful, but there are so many obstacles in their way.   
  
He turns his head, his eyes catching on the gift bag containing a free trip to paradise.  He hums the lyrics as he looks back to the bed.  
  
"Your heart or your mind Adam, which is it?" he mumbles to himself.  
  
Sauli stirs in that moment and Adam swears he hears a chuckle, which is impossible given the music blasting through his headphones.  Even imaginary, it has Adam grinning, his heart beating faster.   
  
Was there ever really a doubt when he feels this way?  
  
He tweets out the lyrics to the song playing in his ears.  ""I'm not scared at all... Of the cracks in the crystal ball."  
  
"Follow your heart" his mother always told him.  She's always given him the best advise.  It's time he listened to her.  
   
A strange sense of calm comes over him when his decision is made.  In the morning he'll ask Sauli to go to Bora Bora with him.  He'll lay it all out for Sauli - how he feels, what he wants, and he'll hope Sauli wants the same things.  
  
He climbs back in bed and snuggles Sauli against him once more.   
  
Tomorrow.  Tomorrow, they'll talk about their future.  
_  
* * *  
  
Adam sighs softly, Neil still waiting on the other end for his answer.  
  
"Yeah, I want it."

  
  
_tbc....  
_


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam and Sauli talk about meeting for dinner when Adam's in New York.
> 
> (Much more hopeful chapter than the last one)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the repost. When I posted it last night, there were parts that were duplicated.
> 
> Also, I apologize for missing the delay. I was unexpectedly out of town without access to the site. I'll be busy with work this week so there won't be another update until next Sunday.

It took two months to finally make the call. Every time his finger hovered over the number, he pulled it back. Whether it was a long ago memory or old resentment of the way things ended, something always stopped him from taking that final step.

Adam wasn't a coward under normal circumstances. His philosophy was to throw caution to the wind and fuck the results. He had no intention of leaving regrets on the table when his life was up.

He's called impulsive by a lot of people because of his flair for changing his appearance at whim. In that regard they're correct, but too many hits to his heart have left him more cautious in his love life than he was when he was younger.

Which explains the delay from getting Sauli's number to actually dialing it.

He waits for the phone to be answered on the other end but it goes to voicemail. It takes everything in him to listen through the welcoming message instead of disconnecting the call.

Just when he's about to say fuck it, the phone beeps.

"Hey Sauli. It's Adam. Listen, I'm going to be in New York in a couple of weeks and was wondering if you wanted to get together. Let me know."

He disconnects and rubs his forehead, muttering to himself. Did he sound too casual? Too anxious? He thinks he did but he's not sure. He berates himself a little more before giving up. It's over and done. Nothing he can do about it now. Besides, the hour he debated placing the call has him running late. He has no time for second guessing.

The next couple days are spent on the edge, waiting for Sauli to return his call. He's a little disappointed whenever it rings and it's not him. Maybe it's better this way. Maybe Sauli has no interest in seeing him, even on a friendly basis. Adam can understand. They went years without communicating. To think one accidental meeting would suddenly change that is naive.

Just when he thinks Sauli's blown him off, he gets a return call.

"Moi Adam."

Moi. How many times did Sauli greet him like that, with a devilish, little grin on his face? How many times did Adam kiss it off?

"Sauli, how are you?" He manages to squeak out, the one word completely setting his nerves on edge, reminding Adam this is his Sauli he's talking to, not some one night stand.

He exhales and tries to relax.

"Good. I'm good. I got your call." Sauli sounds like he's talking to a long lost friend, not an old flame he can't forget about.

"Of course. Why else would you be calling?" He jokes, feeling more natural than he did a couple seconds ago. Amazing what a couple of deep breaths and the calmness in the voice on the other end can do.

"To talk about the weather?" Sauli chuckles.

The remaining tension in his shoulders ease. That's the Sauli he remembers, joking and teasing. Happy.

"It's sunny and eighty here," Adam laughs. "Nicer than there I imagine."

"I miss the sun from LA," Sauli sighs. "Sunsets there were beautiful."

"Yes, they are."

Adam wonders if Sauli's thinking about all the times they sat on the patio, sipping wine while watching the sun disappear.

He did it with Dustin once, but once was enough. He was always chattering about work or mumbling other nonsense. Dustin was never comfortable with silence. He always had to fill the void with noise.

Sauli was more introspective as he watched. Sometimes one of them would reach over for the other's hand. It would turn into the most romantic, intimate moment.

No words were needed when it was the two of them. There may have been a language barrier but they had no problem communicating.

Other times, Sauli would have one arm over his head as he laid back on the seat next to Adam, his eyes serious and focused, while his other hand played with his wine glass. Adam always wanted to know what he was thinking.

More often than not, Adam ended up watching Sauli more than the actual scenery. The beauty of a sunset couldn't compete with the beauty of Sauli's face in profile.

* * *

_

"Come," Sauli says holding his hand out.

"What are you up to?" Adam asks with a smile.

__

He slips his hand into Sauli's, feeling the familiar tingle when their palms touch.

They keep their hands together as he's led to the back yard. The air is warm but the small breeze helps to keep the temperature manageable.

"You work too hard," Sauli tells him.

They stop in front of a blanket set on the grass. Pillows are piled high, forming a wall for their backs. Two glasses are set to the side, a bottle of wine chilling near them.

__

"Sit."  
Adam does as he's told. He's long since learned asking questions doesn't help. He'll find out what Sauli has planned when his boyfriend is good and ready to show him.

He closes his eyes as Sauli's lips touch his. It's long and slow and deep. Sauli's hands start on his jaw but he moves to thread one through Adam's hair, the other slides down his chest to wrap around his waist.

They moan together when the kiss deepens and they hold on to each other tighter.

It's a kiss of love. It's not a foreplay into something more. Their tongues come together than retreat then touch again. Over and over the ritual plays out until they need to breathe, but they only part for a moment before continuing the kiss.

When they finally part, Sauli's lips are red, swollen, and wet. His expression shows nothing but a deep love for the man he's looking at.

And he's looking at me, Adam thinks to himself. That look, that kiss, is only for me. He's the luckiest man on earth.

"I love you too," Adam tells him, watching Sauli's face morph from serious into a giant smile, so wide and happy that Adam can't help but return.

They share another quick kiss before they part. Sauli slides to the end of the blanket where he starts massaging Adam's feet.

"Oh, baby, that feels good."

"I figured." Sauli laughs.

A groan escapes. "It's better than sex."

Sauli stops, one eye raised in question.

"Okay," Adam amends, "Maybe not that good."

Sauli laughs as he continues. They sit in silence while Adam gets a much needed foot massage after standing hours on end during the video shoot.

__

"Better?" Sauli asks softly. He pours them each a glass and hands one to Adam.

"Much. Have I told you that I have the best boyfriend in the world?"

Sauli pretends to think but his eyes are twinkling. "Not in a couple days."

They laugh and share another kiss, then Sauli sits between Adam's legs and rests his back on Adam chest.

"I love you baby." Adam kisses his temple and squeezes him tight.

"Love you too. Now, shhh. The show's about to begin."

Adam looks to the sky just as the sun starts it's descent.

_

* * *

"When exactly are you coming to New York?"

Adam rattles off the dates he'll be in town. "Did you want to get together?"

He starts to hold his breath but Sauli surprises him by answering quickly.

"I'd love to. If you have a free night, we could grab dinner. Or lunch, whatever works with your schedule."

Sauli was always accommodating about his work hours until the last few months of their relationship. The biggest objection was that time in Finland, when he had to leave in a hurry at the last minute. That one episode seemed to start a chain reaction that led to the end.

"Dinner would be good."

"If you don't mind, I know a great Chinese place not far from me. Unless you'd rather go some place more formal."

The word formal has images of cameras and fans. That's the last thing he wants to face when they go out. He does not need gossip about them getting back together.

"It's fine. I'll let you decide. I'm sure you know the area better than I do."

"Okay, well, let me know what night works best. My schedule's pretty open that week."

"Wednesday works for me. I have the night free," Adam volunteers. He knows his schedule by heart. On the off chance Sauli did want to get together, Adam wanted to be ready.

"Wednesday it is. Is seven okay?"

"Seven's good. I'll meet you at your place."

The awkward silence that disappeared suddenly emerges again. He probably should've offered to meet him at the restaurant, given their history, but he still has manners, and that means picking up his dates.

Not that this is an actual date. 

"Sure," Sauli finally says, making Adam feel like they jumped some mini hurdle.

They say their goodbyes and hang up. Adam stares at the phone. It went a hell of a lot better than he thought, especially considering how it started, and ended, but there was no hostility in the middle parts.

The one thing that came through loud and clear - Sauli wants to see him.

That's all that really matters.

* * *

_They huddle over their calendars, trying to find a time they can meet up._

_"I can fly out the week of the 23 rd," Sauli suggests, his head turning to look at Adam's screen._

_"That won't work. I'm in Australia. What about the following week? I'll be in Europe."_

_"Hmmm. I have a shoot on the 30 th but I could fly out after. It can only be a couple of days though because I have a meeting in Helsinki on the 3rd."_

_"Fuck. How about the week after? Where are you?"_

_"No, the 30 th is fine. The flight will be short. I do not want to wait more than a month to see you."_

_Adam kisses the frown off Sauli's lips. "Me neither baby."_

_Trying to find time to see each other while Adam is traveling is the worst part of their relationship. It was easier in the beginning but Sauli's increasingly busy schedule makes it a little more challenging._

_That's not a bad thing, necessarily. He loves that Sauli's more fulfilled in his professional life. Plus, it's exciting when they first see each other after they've been apart for a while. The pent up desire always make their first time together steaming hot._

_But there's also an adjustment period when they're back together. You get used to being by yourself, taking care of yourself. There's no arguing about where to go for dinner, or what movie to see._

_Or someone bitching at you for not eating enough. Although, deep down Adam likes when Sauli bitches at him about that. Makes feel cared for. Loved._

_"Pencil me in for then," Sauli nods._

_"No pencil. Permanent marker," Adam jokes and Sauli laughs just like he hoped._

* * *

Adam has his bag all packed for New York, except for an outfit for dinner with Sauli. Danielle made him go shopping because, as she put it, it was dinner with "him".

He looks at the pair of dark blue jeans and the pair of dress slacks. It's a casual dinner so the jeans will probably work best, but he can count on one hand the number of times he's worn something so plain. They are not his usual style. He likes a little flair, some drama. Danielle told him to pair them with some killer boots or a smoking jacket to jazz it up.

She felt strongly he should wear the jeans. Since it's rare that she steers him wrong, he fold them and packs them.

Adam glances at the slacks one last time. The pants make him look sexy, in a classic movie star way. Sauli used to love it when Adam got dressed up for a night out. However, the jeans fit his ass and legs like they were made especially for him. The more he thinks of it, the more he realizes the word "plain" does not do them justice.

They don't fit as tight as the black pair he left at the store. Those hugged his balls and cock like a glove, but Danielle was adamant they weren't right. Not for this night anyway.

"He's already seen it. You don't need to put it on display."

"But, it'll show him what he's missed," Adam pouts as he adjusts himself before turning in the room, looking at them from all angles.

"I thought this was just dinner," she stared at him, hands crossed, foot tapping, waiting for him to deny.

"It is," he mumbled, sounding less convincing than he wanted.

"Adam, this is another chance. Maybe. The fact he wants to see you and vice versa, after everything you two have been through, well, I'm only going to say one thing."

She unfolded her hands, took the steps to him, and placed her hands on his face. "Assuming he's willing, don't go jumping into bed with him. Take your time. And for Christ's sake, talk to him about what happened before."

Adam closes the case and wheels it down the hall to the front door.

She's right. Whatever this dinner turns out to be, he needs some answers about what happened, what he did wrong. It may not change anything but maybe, just maybe, it'll help him move forward.

If not with Sauli, then with someone else.

 

tbc...


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam arrives at Sauli's to pick him up for dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the week long delay. Traveling for work and no access to the story. 
> 
> Next update will be Wednesday. :)

Adam stands at the window, cursing the pouring rain.  The streets and sidewalks are flooded meaning he’s going to ruin the new boots he bought for tonight’s dinner.  Never mind what the shit is going to do to his hair.  It only took him two washes and numerous styling attempts before he got it just right.   It’s going to take about ten seconds for Mother Nature to destroy it.

He can manage to get out of the car and into Sauli’s building but the walk to the place their planning to eat at is what’s going to kill all his hard work.

Talk about raining on his parade.

He thinks about inviting Sauli to his hotel for dinner but he’s afraid it will be read as an invitation to his bed, which it wouldn’t be.   For as much as he wouldn’t mind another trip down that memory lane, it would be the most idiotic move he could make.   

Besides, he still hasn’t decided what exactly he wants from Sauli.  

The hair, clothing and boots were more of an armor of sorts.  It’s not that he wants to rub into Sauli’s face what he gave up (okay maybe a little if he were being honest), but his self-confidence always gets a boost when he’s put together.   And he’s going to need that little extra “help” when he sees his ex tonight. 

It’s funny how it takes forever to get to a place you want to be, but a drive to a place you’re antsy about takes no time at all.  

Adam pays the driver and jogs up the steps to ring the buzzer for Sauli’s apartment.    He’s a little early but traffic was a lot lighter than he thought it would be, given the weather.  If it were nice, he’d take a little walk and kill some time so he doesn’t seem too eager.  

Sauli unlocks the door for him and he heads up to the apartment.   He blows out a couple of breaths, smooths his hands down his jacket, before he knocks on the door.

Adam can’t remember when he’s been this nervous.  He wasn’t even like this when they first got together.  Back then, the nerves were different, an excitement.  Now, they’re tinged with uncertainty.  

The door opens, and Sauli stands there with a welcoming smile.   He’s wearing a sky blue t-shirt, low rise jeans, and nothing on his feet.  

“Moi, Adam.  Come in.  I’m not quite ready,” Sauli tells him while he retreats into his apartment.

“Sorry.  I’m early.”

Sauli brushes the apology away.  He frowns as he glances out the window.  “I thought it would stop by now. “

“Is the place far?” Adam asks.

The apartment is smaller than small.  It’s a shade bigger than a studio.  The living room and, what passes as the kitchen, make one room.   Instead of a table, there’s a bar separating the two with a set of stools.  

The living room furniture consists of the TV stand, round end table, one small couch and a chair.  It still looks crowded.

“Reminds me of my place in Helsinki,” Sauli says without a hint of self-consciousness.   

“Reminds me of my first apartment in LA,” Adam replies.  

“I’d show you around but I think you’ve seen it for yourself.”

They share a laugh.  

“The place is on the next block,” Sauli answers the question from earlier, “but they do not have a lot of indoor seating.  I thought we could eat outside or at the park.”

Sauli always did love being outdoors.   When he first moved to LA, there were days he’d go sit or walk around the hills, just observing everything around him.

Some things haven’t changed.” 

“We can go somewhere else,” Adam offered.

Sauli looks at him steadily until Adam feels the need to squirm.    Sauli’s next words leave him a little flabbergasted.

“We could get it delivered and eat here.”

Before he can answer, Sauli’s phone goes off.

“Moi beautiful.”

* * *

_“I had a wonderful time this week,” Sauli says softly, snuggling next to Adam on their ride back from the airport._

_Adam can’t get over how cuddly Sauli is in private.  He’s always touching Adam in some manner, whether it’s an arm around his shoulders, or his head on Adam’s chest._

_It’s been a long, long time since he had someone who wanted to touch him as much as Adam wanted to touch back._

_“What was your favorite part?” Adam asks after dropping a kiss on Sauli’s head._

_“Having my sisters with me.   It felt like we were a family.  All of us.”_

_“I’m sorry you can’t see them more, baby.”_

_“It is okay.  I have you. “_

_“But still,” Adam protests only to have Sauli’s finger cover his lips._

_“Shhhh.”_

_Sauli’s lips replace his finger and they share a long, slow kiss._

_“I can’t wait to get home,” Adam says after._

_His house.  Sauli.  Cooking.   Silly how much he’s missed the routine of it all._

_“Me too.  I missed the sun,” Sauli sighs deeply._

_Adam laughs.  He’s thinking romantic thoughts and Sauli’s thinking about his tan._

_“Anything else you missed?” Adam asks, nuzzling Sauli’s neck._

_“Hmmm, now that you mentioned it.  I missed our bed.”_

_“You are looking a little tired,” Adam teases._

_Sauli nods, flashing a dirty grin.  “I think we need a nap.”_

_“I definitely need a nap.”_

_Sauli kisses the smile off Adam’s face._

* * *

Trying to give him some privacy, Adam walks over to the collage of photographs Sauli has on the wall.  It’s surprising how many people he recognizes.  He’s even more surprised when he finds one of himself mixed in the pile – not just him but one of them.   Adam’s not even sure when it was taken or where.  London, maybe?   Sauli has the same facial hair he did when they went there.

Seem like another lifetime.

“I have it.  You left it here last night.  I sent you a text.”

Adam tries to focus on the pictures, not wanting to hear about Sauli’s visitor from the previous evening.   

His eyes focus on a picture of Sauli with another man.  Sauli’s  arms are wrapped around the man neck from behind, while they both smile into the camera.   

Damn, the man is gorgeous.   He has dark brown eyes that glow with happiness, beautiful, smooth chocolate skin, full lips and perfect white teeth.  His black hair is cropped close.  

He reminds Adam of a young Blair Underwood.   

“He’s here now.”

Adam’s head turns to give a questioning glance at Sauli.  

“It’s Brooke,” Sauli mouths, rolling his eyes.  “Yes I will tell him.  Bye.”

“Brooke?” Adam asks.

“Yes.  Her and Peter came over last night and she forgot her scarf.  She says hello.”

First Neil and now Brooke.   He can’t figure out why he’s surprised.  All his friends and family loved Sauli.  Not one of them ever said anything negative about him.  

“I didn’t know you kept in touch,” Adam comments.  

Sauli curls his toes against the hard wood floor, like he always did when he was nervous.  Nostalgia threatens to choke him as memories flood his mind.

“Yes.  Since I moved here.  It was strange at first but we worked it out.”  Sauli tilts his head to the photos.  “What were you looking at so seriously?”

“Oh, nothing,” Adam can feel blood rushing to his face.

Sauli gives him a cheeky, knowing grin.  “Sure.  You know Adam.  It’s okay to ask. “

Adam shoves his hands in his pockets.  They’re standing across the room from each other, both sizing each other up.   Although, Sauli seems much more relaxed which angers Adam a little bit.

“You didn’t seem forthcoming last time I saw you.”

Sauli chuckles.  “I was not thinking too clearly to be honest.  Seeing you after so long freaked me out.”  He shrugs after he makes that admission.

“Good or bad freaking out?” Adam asks with a smile.  It’s nice to know he wasn’t the only one.

“Both,” Sauli answers honestly.

Dropping the subject before it gets too heavy, Adam asks, “Is that your ex fiancé?”  The words feel alien as they come out.  So strange to think of Sauli engaged to someone else.

Sauli walks over to look at the picture Adam pointed out.  The smile that forms on Sauli’s face eats at Adam’s gut.  “Yes, that’s Noah.”

“He’s gorgeous,” Adam admits.

“Yes he is.  He’s even more beautiful on the inside.”

Adam’s not sure how he likes hearing that.  Even though Sauli said he could, he doesn’t think it’s time to ask the questions.   Although it’s killing him keeping his mouth shut.  He figures Sauli will offer the story if and when the time seems appropriate.

“I’m surprised you have one of us up here,” Adam changes the subject again.   It feels like he’s in a live chess game.  His move, Adam's move, his move – back and forth, trying not to give up too much ground.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Sauli’s voice tells Adam he’s truly surprised by the question.  “You were a big part of my life, Adam.”

Were.  

He knows it but it sucks hearing it.

“Still want dinner?” Sauli asks, giving Adam an out if he wants it.

He doesn’t.

“Yes.  I still want dinner."

* * *

_“What do you feel like?”  
  
“I don’t know.  What do you want?”_

_“Mexican?” Sauli asks._

__


_“Nah.  Italian?”_

__


_“No.  Sushi?”_

_“We had that last night.  We’re like an old married couple.  We can’t decide where to go or what to do.”  He laughs, surprised Sauli hasn't joined him.  He turns to look at his partner, stunned to see the look of hurt on Sauli's face._

_“What’s wrong, baby?”_

_Sauli looks down and away, avoiding Adam’s eyes.  “Nothing.”_

_A jolt of anger hits him.  “If I had a dollar every time you said that lately.”_

_“What does that mean?”_

_Adam slides his clothes a little harder.  “Nothing, nothing, nothing.  That’s all you say when I ask what’s wrong.  Obviously something is or you wouldn’t get all quiet like you do and mumble.”_

_“You don’t want to know so I say nothing to avoid a fight.”_

_“Just tell me.  I can’t fix it if I don’t know what the problem is,” Adam says through clenched teeth._

_“You joke and joke about it but every time ask you about it you say no.”_

_“Say no to what?” Adam spins around his hands flying in the air._

_“Adam, will you marry me?” Sauli surprises him by asking._

_“I thought we talked about this,” Adam replies._

_“You talked I listened.  I talked you didn’t listen.”_

_“Sauli, now is not….”_

_“Yes, I know.  It’s not a good time.  It is never a good time. You know what.  I’m not hungry.”_

_Sauli storms out of the room, leaving Adam with his jaw hanging open._

_How did they go from deciding what to have for dinner to that?_

 

 

 _Tbc…._  

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam and Sauli have dinner in NY and then plan to meet up in LA.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the LONG delay. I went on vacation but didn't have internet access, which I only discovered when I got to my destination. 
> 
> Update in a couple of days. :)

It’s funny how Sauli setting the table reminds Adam how much things have changed between them.   When they were together, they ate from the cartons while sitting on the couch watching TV.  Now, Sauli grabs a couple of mix matched plates and sets them on the bar.

Adam wants to ask about the one blue with flowers and the other dark green plate but he doesn’t want to embarrass Sauli if that’s all he can afford, and given the apartment size, Adam’s afraid that will be his answer.    Apparently Sauli catches him staring because he offers an explanation.

“I felt bad for them.  I knew they would end up thrown away and smashed,” Sauli comments with a nod to the dishes.

That comment makes Adam smile.  Just like the Sauli that he used to know.    

The stools are close enough that their knees touch when one of them moves.  It’s a strange combination of heaven and hell.   Adam is touching him but not in the way in longs to.  He wants to hold his hand, maybe put his palm on Sauli’s thigh, but his heart is warning him about the pain he went through before.   

Sauli’s just as animated while talking as Adam remembers.  And just like before, he has Adam laughing and joking.  At the end of the meal, his stomach hurts from it all.

“I haven’t laughed like that in a long time,” Adam tells him as they pick up the dishes.

“Me neither,” admits Sauli.

“Guess neither of us have had much to laugh about lately.”

Sauli shakes his head while he washes a dish.  Adam grabs the towel by the stove and dries it, wishing he knew what to say to bring back the smiling Sauli from dinner.

***

_Adam leans over the sink to grab a cherry from the pile Sauli’s rinsing out._

_“Stop eating them all.”_

_“But they’re good,” Adam mumbles around the pit in his mouth._

_He spits it out in the trash and goes to grab another one._

_“Hey, watch it,” he tells Sauli when an errant spray of water hits him on the side of the head._

_“Sorry.  Adam stop it.  I am serious.  We won’t have any for guests.”_

_“Just one more,” Adam promises as he disposes of another pit._

_He can’t remember the last time he had them.  He’s glad Sauli added them to the cart at the store._

_“They’re so juicy babe.  Have one.”_

_Another spray of water, right in the face._

_“Sauli, watch it with the water.”_

_“Grab another one Adam and I will get more than your face.”_

_Adam gapes at his boyfriend.  “I can’t believe you did that on purpose.”_

_His boyfriend actually looks angry.  Over cherries for crying out loud._

_“Stop eating the cherries and I will stop spraying you.”_

_Adam throws the towel on the counter after drying off his face.   Sauli wouldn’t dare.  Would he?    One way to find out.  He moves in to grab another one and gets hit square in the chest with a blast of cold water._

_He’s stunned for a minute before he starts laughing.  He moves his head out of the way.  Sauli stands there holding the sprayer in both hands like he’s holding a gun, but he’s smiling now.  There’s no anger in his eyes anymore._

_“You are going to get it,” Adam promises._

_Sauli just laughs and sprays his hair.  By the time Adam gets the thing out of Sauli’s hands, they’re both drenched, along with the counter and floor._

_“You’re such an ass,” Adam laughs before his head is pulled down and his mouth is covered with cool, wet lips._

***

They spend the night catching up on mutual friends, laughing about the latest gossip, or arguing about what about which TV show is best.  A bottle of wine later, Adam’s squinting at the clock.  

“Is it really midnight?” He asks in wonder.

“Wow.  How did it get so late?”

Adam looks into Sauli’s eyes.  “Time flies when you’re having fun.”

Sauli smiles.  “I guess so.”  

There it is.  The opening Adam’s been waiting for.  Now would be the perfect time to ask if Sauli wants to see each other again, or at keep in touch.  They could at least be friends, couldn’t they?  

Is that what Adam wants, to share an occasional phone call, or text message?    He glances at Sauli and, oh fuck it.  He’s never wanted to be Sauli’s friend.  He’s always wanted so much more than that.  His heart is telling him to tread carefully but his soul is telling him something else.

“Do you ever get to LA?” He asks quieter than he intended.   

Sauli instantly sobers and Adam begins to wonders if he’s alone in what he’s feeling.  Maybe it’s too soon for him.  Maybe he’s still in love with Noah.   Sauli hasn’t mentioned him but Adam thinks that’s more because of their own history.  It would probably bring their easy banter and conversation to an awkward halt if they started talking about their exes.

“Sometimes,” Sauli finally answers.  “In fact, I will be there in a couple of weeks.”

He gives Adam a nervous smile.  Adam returns it while he attempts to remember what his upcoming schedule is like, but he’s never been good at that.  He does know he won’t be out of town for a while.  Anything else he can work around.

“Maybe we can get together.”

This smile from Sauli reminds him of the one he gave Adam the morning after their first night together in Helsinki when they made plans to stay in touch.  It’s a smile that says he’s afraid to hope but helpless to stop.

Talk about a déjà vu moment.

“I would like that,” comes Sauli’s soft reply.   

They spend a ridiculous amount of time smiling at each other before Adam finally leaves.

Lying in bed that night, Adam thinks about the moment on the coach.  He’s sure Sauli expected Adam to kiss him, and he wanted to.  Jesus, he really wanted to, and the way Sauli licked his lips as he looked at Adam – fuck yeah, they both wanted it.   

But something stopped him, stopped them both.   They never did the whole dating thing. They were a one night stand that turned into a love affair.   They did things backwards.  If he kissed Sauli, he knew where they would end up.  It’s where they always ended up.   

Except, this time, Sauli is coming from a broken engagement.   Sauli planned to marry the other man, have children with him.   That’s not something you get over easily.  

Adam knows from experience.

Which means he needs to take things slower this time than he did last time.  Not that they had much of a choice before, with Sauli living in Finland.  But this time, it can be different. 

It would’ve been easy to kiss Sauli and take him to bed.  The chemistry was still there.  He felt it.  He knows Sauli felt it, but he’ll be damned if he settles for being Sauli’s rebound man, not after having the real thing.

***

_Adam was never a patient man but waiting for the phone call that will ultimately decide his future is making him sick to his stomach.  To think whatever they’ve started could be for naught if some overworked, government official decides to deny Sauli’s visa request._

_It will be impossible to maintain a relationship if Sauli doesn’t live in LA.  Sure, they’ll promise to make it work, mumbling how love is worth it.  But that isn’t reality._

_They don’t have enough of a foundation to make a long distance relationship work.  And this would be LONG distance.   They’ve spent five days in Paris, after spending one night together a few weeks before.  Now that Sauli’s spent a week in LA, they decided to extend it another week and look into the possibility of Sauli moving here for a longer period of time._

_He looks over at Sauli sitting at the table, staring at his phone as if that will make it ring faster.   As he watches him, Adam feels like the biggest ass.  He’s not the one changing his entire life.   For all they’ve discussed this, he still wonders if he hasn’t pressured Sauli into something he’s not ready for.  It wouldn’t be the first time Adam’s been pushy with a new beau._

_“Sauli,” he calls out, wincing when those nervous blue eyes look at him.   He’s used to seeing them with laughter and light.  “Are you sure this is what you want?”_

_“Yes,” he nods.  He stands and runs to Adam, clinging to him tight.  “Yes, I want to be with you.”_

_Fuck reality and all the reasons this won’t work._

_“If this doesn’t go the way we hope,” Adam swallows around the lump in his throat and holds the shivering body closer.  “We will find a way.  I promise you.”_

_Sauli nods just as his phone rings._

***

“How did it go?”  

No hello.  No asking about his meetings.    Typical Danielle.

“Good.”

“Good, good.  Or just good.”

Adam smiles at the impatience in her voice.  

“Good,” he answers light enough that she can read a mountain in that one word.

“About damn time.  I told him that too.”

“What?  When?”  

“Yesterday afternoon, when I talked to him.   It’s nice I can mention his name to you again.”

“I had no idea everyone kept in touch with him.”  He frowns at the croissant sitting on his plate.   They’re a weakness he can’t resist when he stays here. 

“We love him.”  Such a simple answer.  “So, are you going to see him again?” 

“We might get together the next time he comes to LA.”

“Really?”   

Adam assures her he isn’t lying.  He closes his eyes and takes a relaxing, deep breath.

“Great, now cut this polite bullshit and tell me exactly how it went.”

He huffs out a shaky breath and laughs.  “Oh, Dani.  He looks so good and I wanted to kiss him badly but didn’t want to scare him off.   Damn, his ex is hot but we didn’t talk about him and I might be an ass but I’m glad it didn’t work out because then I wouldn’t have seen him last night.  Did I tell you how good he looked?  He smells good too.  Just like always and his laugh.  Ohmygod, his laugh is just the same and, fuck Dani, I kept staring at his toes.  His toes, for fuck’s sake.  I don’t even have a foot fetish but I kept thinking how cute they were,” he giggles and tries to catch his breath.  

She laughs and calms him down.

Suddenly, old thoughts enter his mind and he's not so happy anymore. 

“I’m going to get my heart stomped on again, aren’t I?”  He drops the pastry, having suddenly lost his appetite. 

“Only time will tell my love.  Just promise me you won’t be a coward.”

He promises, although he’s not entirely sure he knows what she means.  They talk a little bit more before they finally hang up.  

A coward? He’s never been a coward.  What the hell did she mean by that?’

***

His phone vibrates with a text message.  Expecting one from Ali, he’s surprised to see Sauli’s name on the screen.  

He gives in to the urge to grin.  Nobody’s around to see him or question him.

_Adam. I won’t be going to LA after all_

End of message.  His previous excitement gives way to a crushing disappointment.  

Over the last few years, Adam’s been very good at keeping his feelings in check.  He’s never let anyone get too close.  Dustin got closer than most but he was still kept at arm’s length.

Yet, one dinner with Sauli had him ignoring all the warning signs and the defenses he carefully erected came crashing down.  As he stares at the message, he can’t help thinking that it was all for nothing.  

Sauli’s name flashes on the screen once more.

_I am sorry.  I wanted to see you again.  I will be there next month instead if you still want to meet._

His forefinger traces over the words as he reads the new message multiple times.  

_He sends a quick reply back – I will see you then.  Can’t wait_

Maybe the ‘can’t wait’ part was a bit much but he doesn’t give a shit at that moment, because Sauli answered him with a smiley face.

***

“Sauli told me you guys have been in touch.”  Scarlett says from across the yard.

Adam glances at her, wondering where this third degree is going, because she will rake him over the coals for answers.  Of that, he has no doubt.

“I can’t believe he said anything to you,” he responds carefully, trying to change the direction of the conversation.

“He didn’t.  I badgered,” she answers with a grin that says she has no shame over her methods of plying information.  “Besides, it’s not a secret.  You told me yourself.”

“But that’s different,” he glares at her as he pushes Riff higher in the swing.

“How so?”  She questions as Lyric suckles her breast.  

As he watches mother and child, Adam is overcome with love for his friend.  The miscarriages she endured before she gave birth to Lyric almost broke her and Lee, but they made it through and their marriage is stronger than ever.   

There’s a part of him that’s envious.  

“I’m waiting?” She says in her stern Mom voice that makes Adam roll his eyes at her.

It would sound childish to whine that they were friends first, before Sauli, and that it’s disloyal somehow.  

“What exactly did he tell you?”   

“Nothing,” she huffs almost angrily.  “That man is exasperating.  He only said “yes” when I asked if you were keeping in touch.”

Score one for Sauli.  

She eyes him with curiosity as she lifts Lyric to her shoulder.  After a most unladylike burp, Scarlett places her daughter in her carrier, all the while softly cooing to her.  

“He seems happy about it.  He didn’t say it but I could hear it in his voice.”

“Yeah?” Adam asks but his voice is rising, along with a blush to his cheeks.  

“Yes.  So are you going to confess to me what's going on?"

Adam opens his mouth, ready to spill everything (not that two text message is anything) but he snaps it shut.  There's nothing to tell, really.   It’s all very new, and they’ve only shared a couple of very brief messages, but for some reason he's not ready to share it with her.   It’ll make it too real somehow.

 “There’s nothing to tell,” he finally answers in a voice that tells her the subject is closed. 

When there's something to tell, he will confide in her.  Until then, he doesn't need meddling friends, even if their intentions are good.

 

tbc...


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam hasn't heard from Sauli and he's beginning to give up hope, until he attends a part at Danielle's. (This chapter is mostly flashbacks to the first and last time Adam and Sauli were together)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update in a couple/three days.

_"You want to fuck me?"_

_A shiver runs through Adam's body at Sauli's whispered words._

_Adam finds his lips and kisses him passionately, desperately. His hands squeeze Sauli's ass as he rubs his hard cock against the place he wants to be. He feels a drop of precome hit his belly, and Adam's entire body burns with desire._

_Sauli suddenly pulls one of Adam's hands to his mouth, sucking on his fingers greedily until they're dripping wet._

_"Finger me," he pleads._

_Adam moans low in his throat. He bites down on Sauli's throat, stunned at how primal this man makes him feel. The need to possess him is overpowering._

_Brand._

_Consume._

_Devour._

_He wants it all. He wants to fuck this man until they can't move, until Adam can memorize every mark on his skin._

_Jesus, what is this stranger doing to him?_

_Adam fights every urge in his body to roll them over and slam into the ass that's gripping his fingers._

_So tight. So hot. So perfect._

_"Harder," the man in his arms pants._

_Adam's free arm holds Sauli tight against his body, while his other hand gives him what he wants. The faster he moves his fingers, the more Sauli squirms._

_Hands fist in his hair and Sauli's groan of pleasure vibrates against his throat when he twists his finger just so._

_Sauli's hips move frantically against his hand. They're heavy breathing becomes louder as they struggle to find right amount of friction to relieve the tension._

_"So close," Sauli moans as more liquid drags across Adam's stomach._

_Adam abruptly pulls his fingers out and reaches for the lube and condom. He wants his dick in Sauli's ass the first time they come together. He needs it._

_Fuck him NOW! His subconscious screams at him. He scrambles to push Sauli off and quickly prepares himself._

_He looks down at the man on his bed and finds blue eyes staring at him with an intense look of lust and hunger._

_It's been too long since someone looked at him like that._

_Adam moves his body over him, loving the way Sauli feels against his skin. They kiss deeply, tongues twining, discovering, learning._

_When Sauli's begging turns into sobbing pleas, Adam slides into him._

_Jesus, it's like a vise gripping him that quickly turns into a hot, spasming vise pulsating against his cock._

_Sauli's body shakes from his orgasm, streaks of come paint his body._

_It's one of the most erotic sights Adam's ever seen._

_He thrusts once, twice, before he gives in to his own body's demand for release._

_He closes his eyes while every muscle in his body seems to sing "hallelujah" as they spasm during one of the most intense orgasms he's ever had._

_Adam collapses on top of him, too drained to care if he's too heavy for the smaller man. He'll move if he ever catches his breath._

_Sauli's giggle stirs him from his post orgasmic fog. He rolls off and leans up on his elbow. His leg slides between Sauli's, caressing him. He's not ready to break all contact with him. Not yet._

_"What's so funny?" He asks while his finger traces over Sauli's lips._

_"Nothing. Everything." Sauli smiles wide before kissing the tip of his finger._

_Adam gathers Sauli close. The drying, stickiness reminds Adam he hasn't even removed the condom from his softened cock._

_"Do you like hot or warm water?" He asks as he takes care of the rubber, depositing it on the floor beside the bed before gathering Sauli close again._

_"For what?"_

_"For your shower."_

_"Oh," Sauli rubs his head against Adam's chest, his arms holding Adam tight. "Hot."_

_"Want to get cleaned up before round two?"_

_Sauli's laugh is muffled against Adam's chest. "Can round two be in the shower?"_

_Adam tilts Sauli's face up. "A man after my own heart. Let's go lover boy." He smacks Sauli's ass before rising and holding out his hand._

_Adam gets a nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach when he sees the serious look on Sauli's face._

_"What?"_

_Sauli's eyes narrow a fraction before he asks, "What is my name?"_

_Adam grins at the question. "Sauli," he answers incorrectly with a smirk, remembering their earlier conversation at the bar._

_Sauli sighs dramatically and flops down on the bed, trying to scowl at him but the teasing glint in his eyes betrays him._

_"That is not how you say my name, Adam," he waves a finger at him._

_Adam laughs, feeling freer than he has in a long time. He pounces on him, holding Sauli's hands to the side of his head. He stares down at man giggling below him._

_Such a gorgeous man. And all his. For one night anyway._

_"Sauli," he pronounces correctly, his voice soft._

_The wide smile he receives warms him from the inside. It's not a name he'll be forgetting anytime soon._

***

Three weeks after Sauli was supposed to in LA, Adam still doesn't know when he's actually going to be in town. His text messages from the last few days have gone unanswered. Even the phone call he finally forced himself to make when straight to voice mail.

He's beginning to think Sauli's avoiding him.

"Fuck," he mutters to his empty kitchen. It's like being on a damned roller coaster ride, not know what's coming around the turn.

As much as he'd love to wait out Sauli, he can't. He has no idea what the man is thinking or whether he'll even make it to LA at all. He can't put his plans on hold any longer while he waits for Sauli's schedule. He calls his manager.

"I'm in. Yes, two weeks, I know."

At least the promoters of the festival will be happy he finally caved. They've been after him for months.

He looks around at the empty kitchen of the house he purchased a few years earlier. He bought it with Sauli in mind. He made sure there was enough room for Sauli's family to visit. Six bedrooms, five baths. Big enough for a family. Too big for one. He swears he can hear an echo sometimes.

It's too bad Sauli never saw it. It was his last ditch effort to fix things between them, but Adam's stubborn pride refused to tell him about it after the last rejection. He didn't want Sauli coming back because of a damned building he bought. He wanted Sauli to come back because of him.

His eye catches the clock. He groans at the time. He's going to be late for the party. He's really not in the mood for one, but it's Dani. She'll kick his ass if he doesn't show. 

Besides, he's tired of moping around his house, thinking about what ifs and lost opportunities. 

* * *

_"What are you doing here?" Sauli asks, obviously stunned to see Adam standing at his parents door._

_"Isn't it obvious?" Adam replies, shoving his hands in his jacket pocket._

_How could he forget how cold it was here?_

_"Adam," Sauli's eyes soften for a moment, enough for Adam to have some hope._

_"Sauli, baby, whatever it is, we can fix it," he says softly, earnestly. "We belong together. I love you," his voice cracks but he's past caring._

_"You came all this way," Sauli mumbles._

_"You're worth it," he simply answers._

_Sauli's eyes close briefly when Adam's cold hand cups his cheek._

_Adam steps closer and kisses him, relieved to find Sauli returning the kiss after a brief hesitation. To his surprise, Sauli hauls him inside and starts kissing him everywhere. His hands shake when they pull at Adam's belt._

_"You're parents," he whispers against Sauli's throat._

_He's not sure what's gotten into Sauli but he's not about to stop it._

_"Gone."_

_Sauli pushes Adam to the rug and climbs over him. Their hips rub against each other, their hands clutch at hair, skin, whatever they can reach._

_God, he's missed this. He's missed this Sauli. The one who couldn't get enough of him._

_"Lube," Adam grunts when Sauli tugs his pants down._

_"Fuck it," Sauli pants, standing up to quickly remove his own jeans._

_He uses his mouth as lube for Adam._

_"Ohhh Christ. That feels so good," he moans as he pushes at Sauli's head. "Fuck!" he yells when Sauli takes him deep and sucks hard before releasing him._

_Sauli rises over him, impales himself on Adam, and then they're fucking. Hard and fast. It's frantic and over much too soon._

_"Damn, baby," Adam laughs nervously. His pants are down his thighs, his shirt's bunched up under his chin. Sauli's draped over him like a warm blanket. He's fully clothed from the waist up, naked from the waist down._

_An uneasy silence descends. They've had sex yet nothing changed._

_He thinks Sauli's laughing with him, but it's the tears he feels on his skin that tells him otherwise._

_"Hey," he tilts Sauli's face up._

_"I can't do this Adam. Not anymore."_

_Sauli quickly stands and yanks his pants up. He turns to walk across the room, his back to Adam._

_A trickle of real fear shoots down his spine._

_"Can't do what?" He murmurs._

_Sauli turns to face him, anguish written on his face. "Be with you. You can't give me what I want, and I can't be happy without it. A part of me…."_

_Adam holds up his hand. "I get it."_

_He puts himself together as best he can. He doesn't want to hear Sauli turning him away one more time. Deep down he always felt he wasn't good enough. Hearing it sucks worse than feeling it._

_"Was this a goodbye fuck then?" He asks angrily. He's never felt more used in his entire life. He came here to win Sauli back, not for a "slam bam thank you man"._

_Sauli winces but doesn't respond._

_He digs his phone out of his pocket and erases Sauli's name. "Gone. History. Just like you want. Do me a favor. Don't call me. Don't text me. Don't anything. You want out. Fine. Have someone come pack your shit because I'll be damned if I help you leave me."_

_He storms out of the house and into the car, cursing the man he just left. When he arrives back at the hotel he curses himself._

_What the fuck did he just do? Damn him and his vicious tongue. When will he learn to take a minute before he lashes out?_

_He turns and speeds back to the house, an apology ready on his lips. The pictures of the new house sitting in the folder on the seat next to him._

_Adam tries to tell himself everything will be okay. Sauli knows he has a temper. They both do. He'll say he didn't mean it and they can talk. Really talk._

_Except the house is empty when he returns._

***

He arrives at Dani's an hour late. No surprise there. The music from the house can be heard on the street. Noise. Finally.

He strolls to the back where people are gathered in small groups. He says hi and stops to chat to the people he knows as he makes his way to the hostess, currently heading into the house.

She's probably got something in the oven, knowing Dani.

"There you are," she says as she one arm hugs him, her other held out holding her drink. "I was about to send out the posse."

"Sorry," he mumbles as he kisses her cheek.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm just glad you could make it." She walks over to the counter, drops her drink and starts to cut up some brownies.

"Are those brownies, or brownie brownies," he wiggles his eyebrows at her.

She laughs. "Just brownies. My parents are here." She leans over and whispers. "We have special brownies for later."

"A woman after my own heart."

"By the way, there's someone here you need to see."

Adam leans his upper body across the bar, stealing a small piece from her plate. He pops it in his mouth and savors the chocolate flavor.

"So good," he sighs as he licks his fingers. "Please tell me he's hot, single and available because I really need to get laid. I haven't fucked a nice piece of ass in a long, long time."

Which is beyond an understatement. God, he hasn't fucked anyone since last month. Sadly, it was nothing to write home about, barely satisfying if he were honest. He shivers at the memory. A blow up doll would've had more personality.

Adam glances up in alarm when Dani chokes on the brownie, her eyes go wide with panic as she looks at someone behind her.

Adam squeezes his own eyes shut. Just fucking great. Probably her mother or worse, her father just overheard him complaining.

"Hello, Adam."

His mouth drops open.

Sauli.

 

tbc..


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam's suprised to find Sauli in LA after avoiding his messages. They have a conversation about it, which produces answers as to why Sauli was doing that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe a little angsty but it's a good and hopeful conversation. 
> 
> Another update in a couple days. Probably on Friday. :)

Is it strange that the first thing Adam thinks about, once the shock wears off, is 'what, no moi?', when he hears Sauli's voice.

His eyes narrow at Dani enough to let her know he will be talking to her later. Alone. He hates being manipulated.

He gathers up his courage and turns to face Sauli. Why does he have to look so damned good? His hair is back to the way it was when they were a couple. It's a little short but not too short. There's still enough for someone's - HIS - fingers to comb through it. He's clean shaven, exactly how Adam always preferred.

It makes Adam yearn for times gone by.

Judging by the glint in Sauli's eyes, he heard everything. Adam can feel a blush creeping up his neck as Sauli's lip twitch.

Can he just die now please?

"You're in LA," he says lamely.

Sauli smiles. "Nah," he shakes his head and the little blond curls move. Adam closes his hands to keep from reaching out and wrapping one around his finger.

"I am obviously a figment of your imagination." Sauli chuckles at his own joke.

Adam laughs nervously but the questions of why is he here and why didn't he tell Adam he was coming, are demanding answers.

"You haven't called. Have you been ignoring me?" Adam asks bluntly, deciding to get right to the point. He has nothing to lose so why not throw caution to the wind.

The humor slowly leaves Sauli's face, replaced by wariness. "To the point as always, I see."

Adam shrugs carelessly. Whatever. He's long past caring what people think. He pushes for an answer. "Have you?"

"Yes."

Sauli continues to meet his stare while Adam grinds his teeth. It's not anger that he's feeling. Well, maybe a little, but that's not the driving emotion. Embarrassment? Frustration? He was waiting for a call that was never going to come. Story of his life.

There's a mad scramble as the audience of people who were listening to their every word disappears until they are the only ones left in the kitchen. Apparently his friends aren't willing to bear witness to this little scene. Too bad. Adam has a feeling it's going to be a doozy.

"I see."

Adam blinks and looks down at his feet. He wishes there was a bottle of Jack close by. He has a feeling he's going to need it to drown his sorrows tonight.

He grabs Dani's forgotten drink and downs the rest in one gulp. Of course Sauli was avoiding him. He knew it. He fucking knew it. Why does he always need to get hit over the head with the obvious? Why does he torment himself like this?

"I don't think you do."

Adam scoffs. "I think it speaks for itself."

"Not really," Sauli shrugs. "It depends on the reasons."

Reasons? What does that mean?

"Look, Sauli," he says tiredly. "I don't care if you don’t want to keep in touch but I think it's pretty rude to lie. You left me hanging."

"You don't care," Sauli repeats the words slowly.

Adam rakes a shaky hand through his hair. Why is he so upset, for Christ's sake? They're not buddies. They don't have anything invested this time around. And the way Sauli's eyes are studying him. Frankly, it's freaking him out. He could read Sauli like a book but now he has no fucking idea what he's thinking.

"I never should have offered you the ride. You had your life and I had mine. It was just," Adam trails off. What the hell does he say? Saying he was hurt is a little too honest. "You were there and I didn't want to be rude."

  
Sauli's eyes narrow even further. "So, you were being polite?"

Adam's shuffles his feet, avoiding the intensity in Sauli's eyes. Even now, Sauli has the ability to intimidate him. He's the only man who ever did, and for once, he resents it.

"You know what I mean," he snaps.

"No, I don't think I do. Was coming to my place for dinner being polite too?"

Adam almost cringes at the sharpness of Sauli's voice. How long has it been since he's heard that tone of voice? He's forgotten how Sauli's accent becomes thicker when he's mad. He's forgotten so many things. That last thought saddens him.

It's a waste of time to fight with this man. Ex lovers bump into each other all the time and catch up. They're no different. At least that's what he tries to tell his racing heart.

"No," Adam sighs wearily. "No, it wasn't. I wanted to see you."

"I wanted to see you too," Sauli replies in a much calmer voice.

Adam finally glances at the other man. God, why does he have to be so damned good looking? The dark blue jeans fit him like a glove, his blue t-shirt is so tight it could be a second skin. It's not fair that he looks as good today as the day they met. Why couldn't he have gained thirty pounds?

And why does this conversation have to be so stressful.

"I'm confused. You just said you were ignoring me."

Sauli's body seems to collapse as he leans against the wall. "There is so much history between us."

"I know," Adam responds quietly when Sauli doesn't say anything else.

"I wasn't sure seeing you again was a good thing. I hurt you very badly before. I know that." Sauli licks his lips and stuffs his hands in his pockets, a nervous gesture Adam hasn't forgotten.

Adam doesn't want to talk about that time. He doesn't want to relive the pain. He came here to have fun and escape. Not to have a stroll down memory lane with his ex.

"I am going to be frank with you, Adam."

"Please do," Adam retorts, a little sarcastically, hoping to get this weird discussion over with so he can get back to the party.

"I do not know what you want from me. You say you want to see me and then you say you don't care if we keep in touch."

"Hey," Adam says angrily. "You said you wanted to see me then you avoid all my messages. So don't be questioning me."

Sauli studies him for a minute. Adam can tell he's nervous or angry or something. He's not sure exactly what it is. He only knows Sauli's not as relaxed as he tries to appear. Then again, neither is he.

"Seeing you again, the last time, brought up all these feelings I thought I buried. It scared me," Sauli tells him with an honesty that surprises him.

An uneasy silence settles around them. Once again, Adam's not sure how to proceed. His insides are elated at the words but it's just so damned complicated between them. This conversation is a perfect example.

"Ditto," he finally admits. "You know we can never be just friends."

A flash of pain crosses Sauli's face, but he gives a quick nod. "I know. That is why I was avoiding you."

"Adam, I've thought about it a lot. About the past and the present. All I know is the last time I saw you, I was happy. I wanted to know everything you've been up to. I wanted to hold your hand. I wanted to kiss you," he adds a in a lower, more intimate voice "I'm tired of pretending I don't want those things."

"So, you're saying you want to date?" Adam finally asks, spelling it out in black and white. Although, with his luck he'll have it all wrong and end up looking like a fool.

Sauli flashes him a smile. "Yes."

"You're sure?" Adam asks. Maybe he doesn't look like a fool after all.

"I'm here, aren't I?"

"Yeah," Adam smiles back. He takes his first relaxing breath since he heard Sauli's voice. "Yeah you are. What are you doing here anyway?"

"I thought it was obvious. I came to see you."

Just like that things aren't as bleak as they were a few minutes ago, and the next step seems simple. Who would've thought that word could describe anything about them?

"Want to have dinner tomorrow. If you'll still be in town."

Sauli smiles wider, the worry in his blue eyes gone. "I would love to."

"Good." Adam answers, smiling, feeling a hundred times better than he did earlier.

It's nice to see Sauli feeling comfortable around him again. The air isn't crackling with tension like it was a few minutes ago.

Sure, things are still fucked up but at least they settled some things and were honest with each other, even if it took a while to get there.

"Just to clear up something from earlier," Sauli says as he walks towards the door.

Adam braces himself for bad news because Sauli's not looking so carefree anymore. He can't deal with anymore drama tonight. He really can't. If nerves were a dieting aide, he'd have lost ten pounds in the last ten minutes.

"The guy Danielle mentioned earlier," Sauli gives him a mischievous smile. "He's hot, single, available, and," Sauli wiggles his butt, "you used to think he had a nice ass."

Sauli bursts out laughing at Adam's stunned expression. He walks out the door, turns to give Adam a smile over his shoulder before skipping down to the lawn, towards Danielle. Who skips for God's sake?

Adam finds himself laughing with relief, excitement - a million different emotions.

Things are looking up after all.

***

_

"Danielle, stop hogging my boyfriend," Adam whines. He's had an extra drink or two but he's allowed. It's his birthday. Besides, he hasn't started slurring yet, so he has more to go.

"But he's so cute, Adam."

"You think I'm cute. Adam, she thinks I'm cute."

His boyfriend's smiling and laughing.

"Come dance," Adam tells him, holding out his hand.

"You can't have him," Danielle whines. "I'm cold and he's so warm." She snuggles in closer.

"Sauli, come with me. I want to spin you and and steal kisses and grab your ass when everybody's looking."

"Possessive much," Danielle states, but Adam only shrugs.

Sauli smiles at Danielle before gently moving her off his lap. "He wants to grab my ass. He wins."

"I'll grab your ass if it keeps you here," Danielle frowns.

"Oh sweetie," Sauli murmurs. "How about you both grab my ass?" Sauli wiggles his eyebrows, making Danielle laugh.

"Sauli," Adam nearly yells. "I'm not sharing. Not even with her."

Sauli winks and smiles. "I know baby."

Out on the dance floor, Adam keeps Sauli close.

"Never sharing," Adam mumbles against Sauli's neck as they grind to the music. "Love you."

"Love you too you big dork."

"I'm not a dork," Adam bites Sauli's earlobe in retaliation for the insult.

"You are, but you're my dork. Don't forget it."

"Only yours."

 

tbc..

_


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys go to dinner. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update in a couple/three days. I'm terrible with time. I know. :(

_"I can't believe he'd break things off like that. He knew I was committed to him."_

_"You knew he wanted to eventually get married, Adam," his mother patiently tells him. "He made no secret of it."_

_"But we were happy," Adam mumbles as he looks at the Hollywood lights below him._

_It'll be nice to escape the memories but he's going to miss this house. The most he ever hoped for was to live in a nice condo in a nice area. He never thought he'd be able to afford a house with this view, or backyard._

_It took longer than he thought for the renovations on the new house to be completed but it gave him some time to say good-bye to old ghosts. Ghosts that came to life once he started packing up the personal items he didn't want the movers to touch. Nothing like finding your old boyfriend's jewelry buried away to bring it all back to the forefront._

_He doesn't like to talk about Sauli with anyone, but she saw him standing in the room, staring at the stuff in his hands and abruptly called a halt to the packing. Then she dug out the wine._

_"_ You _were happy._ You were _, not him. If he was truly happy, he wouldn't have left."_

_Adam refuses to acknowledge that truth. He grabs the bottle of wine and refills his glass. He tops off his mother's glass before dropping the empty bottle on the table between them._

_He suddenly smiles. "Remember when you let me try some wine and I thought it was gross."_

_She laughs. "You and your brother. How old were you?"_

_"Nine," he quickly supplies._

_"Your father's idea. Said you wouldn't drink if you didn't like it."_

_"Hate to break it to you Mom, but that theory didn't work." They laugh together._

_"I told your Dad it wouldn't but he didn't listen."_

_They sit in silence as they watch the sunset. He can't wait to see how the view will look in his new house._

_"I don't think either you or your brother are aware but there was a time when your dad and I were dating that we almost split up."_

_"Really?" He asks, completely taken by surprise. He always thought they met and fell and that was it. That's the story they always told anyway._

_She nods and takes a sip of wine before continuing. "He wanted to transfer schools but I didn't want to move. I didn't think we'd survive it," she finishes quietly._

_"What?" He turns to face her surprised by sadness he hears in her voice. Turns out the woman he thought he knew so well has some secrets._

_"It's true."_

_"What happened?" He asks._

_"We compromised," she shrugs._

_Adam grins. "I know you didn't move so you obviously won," he teases, trying to make her smile again._

_"There was no winning, Adam, and I'm surprised you would use that word," she states, irritation evident in her voice. "What happened was that I learned moving to the west coast was something very important to your father. The next time the opportunity came up, we went."_

_Adam turns back to the scene unfolding in the sky. "Jees Mom, I know about compromise. We did it all the time."_

_She lets out a huff of breath, clearly annoyed at him._

_"I'm not talking about who does the dishes, Adam. I'm talking about the heavy stuff. When it really mattered, you didn't budge and you got your way. But at what cost? He never even knew about the new house. The one you bought for him."_

_"It's not for him," he scowls. He purchased it because he loved it. Yes, he thought Sauli would live there with him and it would be ideal for the both of them, but that's not something he's going to dwell on._

_"If he knew, he might still be here because he'd have hope. He left because he had none." She sighs heavily. "A relationship isn't all about one persons wants and needs."_

_"So much for being on my side," he says through clenched teeth. Nothing like getting a scolding from your mother._

_"Stop acting like a whining teenager. I'm trying to have a serious discussion with you."_

_Two scoldings. He sinks down further in his chair._

_"Why did it have to be all about what he wanted?" He asks petulantly._

_"It didn't, but did he understand how much it scared you. A long term relationship will never work without honest communication, Adam."_

_She downs the rest of her drink. "You two were made for each other. I can't believe you let it slip through your fingers," she tells him._

_She stands and heads back inside but not without one last parting shot._

_"I should've locked both your stubborn asses in a room together until you figured it out."_

* * *

Adam sits on his bed while Danielle rummages through his jewelry looking for something to wear for her girls night out.

"Oh, this!" she exclaims, holding up a wide, silver bangle. He doesn't even remember where it came from. Probably from a fan.

"Keep it," he tells her.

"Really?" she shrieks before putting it on and modeling it.

It's cute that she still gets excited when he gives her stuff. It's one of many reasons why they're still friends. If she expected it, Adam would've been disappointed.

"Do you think Sauli and I are doing the right thing?"

"Fuck yeah," she says without preamble.

He smiles a little at her enthusiasm. Seeing her so happy about it gives him a little hope.

"It's about damned time too," she adds with a nod.

She falls onto her stomach beside him, her feet kicking in the air, her chin on her hands.

"What?" he asks, feeling a little self conscious at her stare.

"I always thought you guys would get back together. Then he met Noah and I figured that was the end, you know?"

"I thought it was the end a long time ago."

She shakes her head, her long locks swaying with the movement. "I didn't. Not until Sauli called me one day, all excited about this guy he met."

Adam swallows the lump in his throat. "Did you ever meet him?"

"Yes," she pauses for a minute. Her eyebrows scrunching as she struggles with what she wants to say next.

"They were good together Adam."

Adam squirms against the discomfort those words bring. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because Sauli gave up his dream for a reason. You need to find out why. And because I'm routing for you. Both of you."

"Do you think we stand a chance?"

"Hell yeah. You're talking. That's a good start."

She lays her head on his lap. His fingers comb through her thick hair. She's beautiful, inside and out. He'd do anything for her.

"Do me a favor? Tonight, don't talk about the heavy shit. Enjoy his company and remember why you were attracted to him the first time."

"Deal."

"I love you both," she says softly. "I want you to be happy."

Why does everyone assume he's not happy? Granted, it may not be the same as when he was with Sauli but that doesn't mean he's a miserable fucker. Everyone has lulls. It's natural.

So why do those closest to him insist on making it seem worse than it is?

* * *

They opt for one of Adam's favorite restaurants. A small sushi place, Koi Cuisine. Danielle introduced him to it about a year ago. It's out of the way of the paps. All he needs are the gossip rags getting wind of dinner with Sauli. He'd be hounded about it for weeks.

He's a little early when he arrives at Sauli's friend's house but he's ready when Adam arrives.

"Moi, Adam," Sauli says in greeting when he opens the door.

"Hi. You look great," Adam tells him as he glances at the tight jeans, black low ankle leather boots, shiny royal blue button up shirt and black leather jacket.

"Real good."

Sauli grins. "Thanks. You don't look so bad yourself."

"What, this?" Adam jokes at his carefully selected suit.

"Who made it?" Sauli asks as he locks the door before they head to Adam's car.

"Will Tremont. He's an up and coming designer. Really new. I love his stuff."

"I can see why," he smiles. "I've never heard of the restaurant. Do you eat there often?"

There's a pause in the conversation while they get situated in the car and head out.

"Not as much as I'd like. The food is excellent. The people are even better."

"Sounds good."

Adam's hit with Sauli's cologne when he leans forward to fiddle with the radio. He smells fantastic. It makes Adam want to bury his nose in Sauli's neck and inhale.

"New car?" Sauli asks as he looks at his surroundings.

"I got it right before I left for my European trip. Gave me something to look forward to."

"No Maserati?" Sauli jokes.

Adam chuckles as they head down the road. "Not yet. One day," he says almost wistfully.

Truth be told, he could afford one now but they are so damned expensive. Maybe the next vehicle he purchases will be one.

The small talk is easy on the way to dinner. Very easy. Adam hopes it stays that way throughout the night. He's taking Danielle's advise to heart. Tonight, there will be no baggage. He's going to enjoy spending company with a man who never failed to entertain him.

"Ohhhh, this place is neat!" Sauli squeals when he sees the restaurant decorations. Adam loves the colorful display, bight colors everywhere you look.

"The pieces are made by local Japanese artists. Nothing by big names," Adam tells him. "I have a few pieces in my house."

"Gorgeous," Sauli says in awe as he looks at a porcelain Japanese woman wearing a bright kimono and a serene expression.

"It is."

"Wonder how much it is?" They check for a price but can't find one. "Maybe it's not for sale."

"Right this way gentlemen," the host interrupts before they can inquire about the figurine.

***

_"Did you have fun shopping?" Adam asks when Sauli returns to their suite._

_"Look," he laughs, holding out the bags in his arms._

_"I take that as a yes," he laughs too._

_"I wish you were there. You would have loved it. The people are so so nice and friendly. And the clothes. Oh my god, the clothes are not like anything I've ever seen before."_

_Adam hopes Sauli never loses his enthusiasm for life. No matter where they are or what they're doing, he finds the good in everything. Well, except maybe food. He's not overly adventurous when it comes to that._

_Sauli puts the bags on the couch and drops into the seat, clearly exhausted from all the walking. Adam's dying to ask him if he made any friends. Sauli's always making friends with someone._

_"I took pictures of the shoes for you. I'm going to put them on the blog."_

_He whips out his phone and shuffles through some things before holding it out for Adam._

_"Those are wild!" he laughs. "Even I wouldn't wear them."_

_"Yes, you would," Sauli giggles_

_"Okay, maybe for the right occasion. You look tired, baby."_

_Adam sits on the little section of couch still available and holds out his hand. It doesn't take long for Sauli to crawl onto his lap._

_"I had so much fun today but I missed you. How was work today?"_

_"Good." Adam's hands rub Sauli's back while Sauli squirms to get comfortable. Like a light to a match, Adam's libido flares to life. "Too tired to fool around before dinner?"_

_Sauli tilts his head up for a kiss. "Never."_

_They share a lazy, drawn out kiss. "Too bad it's not dark out. I could fuck you against the windows like last night."_

_"Mmmmm," Sauli hums. He tilts his head so Adam can kiss the side of his neck. "That was nice."_

_Adam lifts up abruptly. "Nice," he laughs. "I thought it was a whole lot better than nice." He leans down to bite Sauli's neck._

_Sauli giggles. God, he loves that sound. It makes him smile and turns him on at the same time._

_"Think you can hit spectacular?" his boyfriend teases._

_"I might be up," he nudges his hips, rubbing his erection against him, "for the challenge."_

  
_Sauli laughs but stands up and walks to the bedroom, shedding clothes as he goes. "That was bad, Adam."_

_Probably but Adam's too busy taking off his own clothes to respond._

* * *

"Anything jump out at you?" Adam asks. He puts the menu down. He already knows what he's getting.

"You know, what?" Sauli says, closing his menu. "You decide."

Adam snorts. "Since when do you like someone else picking out your meal?"

"You know what I like. Just do not try to pass me anything too weird." Sauli makes a disgusted face and shivers.

"What?" Adam asks, laughing.

Sauli shakes his head. "Nothing. Unpleasant memory of a trip to China. The waiter brought out bugs on a stick."

Adam laughs at Sauli's horrified expression. "What?"

"It's not called that but looked exactly like it. I thought I was going to pass out right then."

Sauli's getting animated which means he's warming up to the subject.

"And everyone ate them." He pretends to shove stuff in his mouth. "They liked it!" He sticks his tongue out and waves his hand in front.

"Did you try it at least?" Adam already knows he didn't. He knows him too well.

"No way. I hate them when they are crawling on the floor. Why would I eat them?"

Adam laughs and tells his own stories of the only time he was in China. He went to a five star restaurant, super fancy. The poor waiter dropped a drink all over Adam. Adam felt worse for the guy, who looked he wanted to cry, than he did for his clothing.

"The management sent over a few free samples but none of them were 'bugs on a stick'," Adam jokes.

"Lucky you."

When the waiter comes, Adam orders a combination plate that has a wide variety of dishes.

"I promise, I'll tell you what it is before you eat it."

"Thank you," Sauli smiles.  
"When were you in China?"

"I was there a couple years ago with Noah. His sister lives there with her husband."

The comment was said so casually the words don't have the sting he thought they would. They talk more about China before moving on to other topics.

Their food comes out and, as promised, Adam tells him everything that's there.

"I do not see any bugs."

Adam laughs. "No bugs. This tuna is really good," Adam tells him pointing at the pieces at the end.

Sauli takes one, chews it slowly, then gives him a smile and a thumbs up. When he hesitates over an oyster, Adam starts laughing.

"It won't bite."

"It's slimy," Sauli whines.

Adam laughs harder. "You swallow it. You don't chew it. You've had them before."

Sauli tips his head back and lets one slide down his throat.

"Urggggg," Sauli gasps after. "I forget how disgusting they are."

"They're supposed to be an aphrodisiac," Adam teases. Watching Sauli eat them - neck stretched, head tipped back, throat muscles moving - turns him on more than actually eating them.

"Ah, no," Sauli says with a laugh.

Adam decides to turn up the flirtatious charm. "They aren't turning you on? Not at all?" He asks with a low, husky, voice laced with innuendo.

He hands one over to Adam. Sparks fly when their fingers touch as he passes it over. "They aren't," Sauli replies, his voice thick.

How could Adam forget what a tease this man could be?

 

tbc....


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the boys finish dinner. it's Sauli, not Adam that brings up their past (in a way)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next update in a couple/three days.

_"Adam, I can not move to America and have you pay for everything."_

_"Sauli," he says because he likes to say his name. It's different and unique, like the man he's talking to on the computer._

_"Adam," Sauli responds with a smile._

_"Sauli." Adam smiles wider._

_"Adam." Sauli chuckles._

_It's a miracle his cheeks haven't split from all the smiling he's doing lately._

_"Seriously. Don't let this be an issue. I already live here and pay for everything. And I know you can't afford it, so stop already, please." Adam pouts. "We're already arguing and you aren't even here yet, baby."_

_"But, I do not want," Sauli begins but Adam holds up his hand to stop him._

_"You aren't doing anything. Don't let this be an issue with us? Please, I'm begging you."_

_"I want to be equals," Sauli tells him._

_The look of quiet pride on Sauli's face is killing him, but financially, they aren't equals, will never be equals unless Sauli wins the lottery._

_"Sauli, sweetie, we will be equals in the ways that matter. You'll be my rock when I start freaking out about shit, and I'll be yours. Isn't that what's important?_

_Sauli contemplates for a minute, his face serious, his eyes staring at the screen._

_"You can help with groceries, okay?"_

_Adam throws him the bone, hoping that will be enough. If not, he'll just have to keep hounding until Sauli backs down because Adam is NOT giving him up._

_"Deal."_

***

Adam's in a constant state of then and now as he sits across Sauli at dinner. Sauli looks the same, acts the same, laughs the same, has the same nervous habits, but three years have come and gone and he's curious about the life Sauli's led since then.

Was Noah the only relationship he had?

Is he doing any work outside of modeling?

What new sports has he tried? Knowing Sauli, there will be a few on this list.

"Do you still jog?"

He loves the look Sauli gives him when he asks a question out of left field. It's a cross between amusement and 'what the fuck', and Sauli does 'what the fuck' face better than anyone.

His eyebrows furrow and the freckles on his forehead all bunch together, giving him this almost sinister look.

"Sometimes. Do you?"

"Sometimes," Adam returns with a smile. "It's not as fun doing it alone."

"Agreed."

"I found this great new trail by the house. There's rarely anyone there. Perfect place escape for a bit."

They're picking at what's left of the food, both stuffed but the it's too good to stop completely.

"That's the downside of New York," Sauli admits. "There are a few parks but it's not the same as the hills of Hollywood."

"Winter must suck."

Sauli's eyes light. "In case you've forgotten, I am used to cold, winter nights."

Cold nights in Finland meant being buried under heavy blankets with Sauli doing his best to keep Adam warm. Something he was very good at.

"I remember," Adam smiles at him, the memories vivid in his mind.

"It is not as fun spending a cold night alone," Sauli says with faked sadness.

"Agreed."

They laugh at their own little joke and tap their glasses together.

The waiter comes to remove their plates.

"Would you care for dessert?" Adam asks.

"Do you?" Sauli asks instead. His finger is playing with the stem of his wine glass, and his eyes are telling him that he'd rather be somewhere more private.

"No, thank you," Adam tells the waiter, his eyes never leaving Sauli's.

He's rewarded with a shy smile from Sauli. Adam reaches across the table to hold Sauli's hand. It doesn't take much coaxing for Sauli to let go of the glass.

First dates are always nerve wracking. You worry about all kinds of little things. How long is too long to keep your hand on the small of their back? Is it safe to put your arm over their shoulders in a movie theater, or will they back away? Do they like to hold hands in public?

Will the good-night kiss lead to something more?

Given their history, he knows the answers to some of these questions, but it's technically still a first - second? - date. He lost the right to touch him a long time ago. It's hard to know when he can have it back.

The questions about how Sauli wants to proceed have been churning in his mind all night. Instead of agonizing of the answers, maybe he should ask and find out.

"Sauli," he begins at the same time he hears "Adam."

They both stop talking but their fingers continue to hold each other. Sauli squeezes Adam's hand before picking it up to hold it against his cheek.

"I've missed this. Sitting across from you at dinner. Talking to you."

Would it be wrong to jump over the table to kiss him senseless, because that's what Adam wants to do. He wants to kiss the last man who made him feel alive because he knows he'll feel it again.

Hell, he's feeling it now, with just the touch of their hands.

Sauli drops their joined hands on the table but doesn't release him. Instead he brings his other hand up to cover them. Adam does the same. Sauli's smile seems to warm a place deep inside of him.

There hasn't been another man who's come close to making Adam feel like he does when he's with Sauli.

"Did you miss me? Even a little bit?" Sauli asks wistfully.

The question takes Adam by surprise. Sauli was never the needy one. It was Adam who was always asking if he was still loved.

Was Sauli waiting for reassurances that never came during their time together?

He thinks about the end of their relationship. There were moments when Sauli would look at him expectantly and Adam would smile, or give him a kiss, but he didn't ask what was bothering him. He figured Sauli would talk when he had something to say, after all, Sauli was never shy about expressing what he wanted. It's one thing Adam always loved about him. He was blunt, never made Adam play guessing games. But at the end, were there things Sauli needed to hear that Adam never said?

The thought that he missed clues about Sauli's unhappiness fills him with sadness and grief.

Did Adam miss him? Jesus, it emotionally crippled him for a long time. How could Sauli not know that?

"All the time, baby," Adam's voice cracks on the admission, the term of endearment coming naturally.

"Here you go, Mr. Lambert."

Sauli quickly pulls his hands back to his lap. Adam wants to curse the waiter for his timing. Things were just getting good, and now they're back to not touching with Sauli looking out the window, ignoring Adam and the waiter.

He wonders what's going on in that brain. His eyes are stormy blue as they look at the street. Does he regret his spontaneous confession? Adam hopes to hell he doesn't. He has no desire to pretend he didn't notice the longing in Sauli's eyes when he looked at him.

He signs the bill and put his card away. He stands and walks to Sauli's chair.

"Ready?" he asks.

He holds his hand out like a silent pledge. A ball of emotion is lodged in his throat while he waits for Sauli to trust in what they're doing, to just have a little faith in them.

Who knows where this will end but the only right step is forward, together, one baby step at a time.

Sauli stares at it, then at Adam, then back to the hand. Suddenly, Sauli grips his hand and smiles radiantly.

His beauty steals Adam's breath.

Whatever demons he was wrestling with are gone.

Adam stands there for a moment, glancing at their joined hands, feeling hopefully for the first time in a long time.

And because he can't help it, he leans over and kisses Sauli on the cheek, while giving his hand a little squeeze.

* * *

_"Sauli, what are you doing?" Adam asks as he throws his jacket on the couch._

_"Cleaning."_

_"We have a cleaning lady for that."_

_"I know but I like doing it."_

_Adam watches his boyfriend spray the polish over the end table, his ass on display. He doesn't understand why Sauli does it, but the view is first class._

_He walks up behind him and grips his hips. He pulls him back to rub against his dick._

_Sauli laughs. "Is that all you think about?"_

_Adam playfully slaps his ass. "It's your fault. Your ass is perfect."_

_"It is only perfect when your dick is in it."_

_Adam sucks in his breath. "Baby, I love it when you talk dirty."_

_Sauli laughs and moves away to head to the other table._

_"When does furniture polish rate above me?"_

_"Since my ass is still sore from this morning."_

_Adam grins, not one ounce of guilt. "I did ride you pretty hard."_

_"Did I tell you how much I loved it?"_

_Adam laughs and collapses on the chair. "Only a dozen times." He frowns as he watches Sauli dust his, their, living room. It's still weird that he lives with someone._

_"Baby, why do you clean so much?"_

_Sauli shrugs. "It helps me when I miss home. Well, Finland," he corrects himself, then glances quickly at Adam and gives him a little smile, before turning back to the center table._

_"But you are happy here, right?"_

_Sauli snaps his head up. "Yes. Very. This," he motions to the rag in his hand._

_"Helps you from freaking out?" Adam finishes._

_Sauli nods._

_"Well, if you really start freaking out, you can organize my shoes."_

_Sauli laughs. Adam smiles, leans back and enjoys the rest of the show._

 

_tbc..._


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam and Sauli go back to Sauli's friend's house after dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The flashback scene in this part is about their arrest in Helsinki. It's not the actual fight but takes place while Adam's in jail, waiting to be released. He worries about what the fight means for their relationship.

The ride back to where Sauli's staying was surprisingly easy. Conversation flowed, they laughed, and most importantly, they held hands the entire way. It made driving a little tricky but neither of them were willing to relinquish the hold they had on each other.

The walk to the apartment was not so easy. Nerves started settling in the pit of Adam's stomach. Does he ask to go inside? Will Sauli invite him, and if he does, is it best to leave without turning this physical too quickly?

He waited while Sauli got the door unlocked, trying to figure out how to proceed when the decision was taken from him. Sauli simply gripped his hand and pulled him inside.

He forgot how much Sauli was a hot, little bottom who liked to be in control. It's nice to let someone else take the reins every once in a while. Most guys expect Adam to act a certain way, and he's not adverse to being the aggressor, but, God, he loves it when he can just let go every once in a while. No thinking, just feeling.

Adam figures Sauli will stop in the living room, or kitchen but they continue down the short hall until Sauli pulls him into a bedroom and shuts the door behind them.

"You want this too, right?" Sauli asks as he begins to take off his shirt - one button at a time.

"Oh yeah," Adam nearly growls the answer when Sauli strips the shirt off and toes off his shoes. He watches Sauli start to undo his pants.

"Take off your clothes, Adam."

"In a minute. I'm enjoying the show," he teases when Sauli slides his pants and underwear down in one swoop. Sauli was never shy or self concious about his nudity, He stands in front of Adam, gloriously naked, and tilts his head to the side as if to say "your turn."

They should talk about what they're doing, about what each of them thinks it means, but, that skin and those tattoos call to him on a primal level.

Fuck if it's too soon. Fuck if it's the wrong thing. He's tired of thinking.

His hand reaches out to touch Sauli's chest. The heat from his skin warms Adam's fingers. He runs both his palms down Sauli's abdomen until his fingers reach his hips. Adam squeezes before yanking him forward, forcing into him.

Adam's hands make their way to Sauli's ass. He caresses it before moving his fingers slowly up Sauli's back. A shiver runs through them both and a low moan escapes his lovers lips.

"Adam, kiss me," Sauli begs. His voice is heavy with desire and lust.

Their breathing is labored as they take a minute to stare at each other. The want in Sauli's eyes is his undoing. Adam lowers his head as Sauli rises on his toes. When they kiss, it's everything Adam remembered - hot, passionate, fiery.

Sauli turns his head and gasps after one particularly deep sweep of Adam's tongue.

"Clothes," Sauli pants against Adam's throat. Their hands tangle as they rush to divest Adam of his shirt, shoes, pants, underwear.

Sauli jumps on the bed. He lies on his back, one leg bent open, while he strokes himself. Adam slides over him, his tongue leaving a track from Sauli's calf, over his thigh. He nibbles on Sauli's hip before sliding further up.

The whole time Sauli's squirming under him and moaning, "Adam, oh God, Adam."

It's when he's looking down into Sauli's face, that the magnitude of the moment hits him.

This isn't a stranger or another one night stand.

This is Sauli, the was the man he loved more than anything. This was a man he thought he'd never see again. Yet, he's here, under him, with him, begging him to take them to the next step.

"Sauli, look at me," he whispers.

Sauli's eyes blink open and Adam smiles at the sight. He still has the most beautiful blue eyes he's ever seen.

"Hi baby," he says with a wide smile. "You're gorgeous."

Sauli chuckles then pulls him down, not for a kiss but for a hug. Adam smiles against Sauli's shoulder when he hears a small giggle.

"What's so funny?" he asks against his neck.

"Nothing," Sauli sighs. "I'm happy."

Happy. A simple word that means so much.

  
Adam flexes his hips, drawing a groan from Sauli. "Want to be happier?"

"Yes please," Sauli says in his most polite voice.

Adam laughs before doing his best to rock both their worlds.

***

_Adam curls himself up into a ball on the hard cot. He's freezing and drained - physically and emotionally. Why can't he remember what happened? The police said he and Sauli were in a fight. His stomach heaves at the thought. It doesn't make sense. They never fight. Sure they have disagreements but never anything major, but they fought, loud enough for the police to be called. He can't wrap his mind around it._

_He wipes the moisture from his eyes, as his teeth chatter. What if Sauli breaks it off? What if it was worse than what the police told him?_

_Why the fuck can't he remember?_

_"Mr. Lambert, you can come with me. We're releasing you. There's a car waiting out back. You can avoid the press that is gathered out front."_

_He wants to yell that he doesn't give a shit about the press. Nothing matters except Sauli. He wants to talk to him badly, but he's also scared to death. There's so much he doesn't remember. What if something really bad happened during that time?_

_The last thing he remembers is laughing with Sauli's sisters and friends. They had an amazing time the last few days while Sauli showed him around Helsinki._

  
_What the hell happened last night to change all that?_

_In a daze, he follows the police to a back door where the car is waiting. They hand him his phone and wallet._

_He waits to turn it on until he's in the car. A thousand missed calls and text messages but he ignores them for now._

_Adam's finger hovers over Sauli's name. He's never been more terrified to talk to someone in his entire life._

_"Please don't tell me I fucked this up," he mumbles to himself. "I love him so much." He hastily wipes at his eyes again._

_He finally pushes the button, scared that Sauli will either hang up on him, or worse, not even answer. What if he never answers?_

_Another wave of nausea hits him at the thought. What if Sauli never wants to see him again?_

_Sauli picks up on the first ring._

_"Adam, thank God! Are you okay?"_

_Hearing the worry in Sauli's voice has him fighting back a sob of relief. He wishes he was sitting next to him so he can hold on to him and beg for forgiveness._

_"I'm sorry baby. I don't know what happened." He swipes at his eyes._

_"I've been worried about you. Where are you?" Sauli asks._

_Adam looks out the window, recognizes a couple of buildings. "I'm a couple blocks from the hotel." He swallows before asking, "You are there, aren't you?"_

_"Yes! I'm waiting for you. God, Adam. I'm so sorry you got arrested." Sauli's voice goes quickly from concerned to angry. "I am so mad, you have no idea."_

_"I'm sorry," Adam whispers._

_"Oh baby. I'm not mad at you," Sauli tells him. "I'm mad at the person who called the fucking police. They misread everything."_

_Adam takes comfort when Sauli starts spouting off in Finnish. Everything is okay between them. He's not mad at Adam. Sauli didn't leave him._

_Adam's at the hotel before Sauli's finished his tirade. The door to their suite is opened before Adam can fish out his key. Hell, he might not even have it on him._

_One look at the relief on Sauli's face has Adam leaping at him. He holds him tight as he loses the battle over his emotions._

_"I'm sorry baby. So sorry. I love you so much," he whispers over and over again, hoping Sauli believes him because he doesn't know what he'll do if Sauli doesn't. "We're okay, aren't we? Please baby, I'm so sorry."_

_Sauli murmurs reassurances to him, until Adam calms down._

_"Adam," Sauli whispers. "Shhhh, my love. We are okay. I promise."_

_Adam lifts his head and looks into Sauli's blue eyes. "I don't know what I'd do if you left me."_

_Sauli takes Adam's face in his hands. "I am not leaving you. It was one bad night. It happens."_

_Adam sniffs and wipes his nose with his jacket. "I don't remember anything."_

_"I'll tell you but first, call your mother. She's worried sick."_

* * *

"When are you going to New York? Can we see each other?" Sauli asks when Adam returns from the bathroom.

"I'm not sure," he says around a yawn as he climbs back into bed.

He gathers Sauli in his arms and kisses away his frown. "Next month sometime. I'm just not sure the actual dates."

"So, can we see each other?" Sauli asks again.

Adam cups Sauli's face in his hand. "Try to stop me."

Sauli smiles and gives him a kiss before laying his head on Adam's chest.

He's such a cuddly lover. That's something Adam never forgot. Adam isn't a 'fuck and run' type of guy, not even with the men he picked up on the road. Sometimes there was more intimacy in the comfort afterwards than in the act itself. He always felt it was the time people let their guard down, which made it the perfect time to get to know someone.

"So," he says as he rubs his hand down Sauli's back. "Can I stay the night?"

He holds his breath as he waits for an answer, but God, he hopes Sauli doesn't ask him to leave. He's missed holding him during the night. He's missed waking up naked next to him.

"Sauli?" Adam asks again. He tilts his head to look down at his face.

Adam smiles and rubs his cheek against Sauli's head when he realizes the man in his arms didn't answer because he fell asleep.

"Guess that means I can stay."

He smiles and closes his eyes.

_tbc....._


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam can't stop thinking about Sauli. They meet back up in NY.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I knew last week would be crazy with the kid going back to school and boss being on vacation. Everything's back to normal (whatever that is) so expect an update on Wednesday / Thursday.
> 
> Thank so much for all your kind comments!!

Adam stares at the ceiling, the grin he had when he woke up a week ago in Sauli’s arms, hasn’t left.  He knows he’s driving his friends crazy, his family nuts, but he can’t help it. 

He hasn’t been this happy since….well, for a while. 

He rolls over and hugs the spare pillow close to his chest, wishing it was a warm, compact body instead.

God, he misses him.  Aches for him.  Not just physically but emotionally too.

Adam wants to listen to him laugh when they make fun of silly, everyday things. He wants to watch Sauli’s chest rise and fall as he breathes in his sleep.  He wants to wake him with a kiss.

He sighs and squeezes the pillow tighter. 

Two more weeks and they’ll see each other again.  He can’t wait.

To think it wasn’t long ago he was ready to leave the past behind and move forward with his future – a future he was convinced didn’t include Sauli. 

He rolls on to his back and rests his head on his hands. 

There was no spark in his life back then.  Everything seemed bleak and miserable.  Sure he tried to be happy, was really good at faking it sometimes, but deep down where nobody can see, he was drowning in misery.  He was sure he’d never find what he had with Sauli and that he’d have to settle for the next best thing.  God, how much that thought sucked.  He always preached about never giving up when it came to love, but he was going to admit defeat when it came to his own love life.

He’s high maintenance.  He knows it.  He’s neurotic, a workaholic, insecure, needy – the list is endless – but he also knows he has a lot to offer to the right man.   

Twice in his life he thought he found it. 

The first time they were too young and weren’t ready.  He hasn’t thought of Brad in forever but the memories are still sweet.  He loved that man.  When it was over he thought he’d be single forever.

Then he met Sauli and his life was never the same.  As much as he loved Brad, it wasn’t even close to what he felt for Sauli.  He was older and wiser.  The craving to just be near the guy was so intense it scared the shit out of him.  Sometimes the feelings were so strong Adam was afraid he’d hurt him when they made love. 

Occasionally he did. 

He should’ve felt bad about the marks his mouth made on his neck or the finger print bruises on his hips but, secretly, it always gave him a thrill to see them on Sauli’s skin.  They were a reminder that Sauli belonged to him.

The memories of their previous life together flood Adam’s mind, as they seem to do of late.  They were incredibly lucky to find each other.

Everything was perfect, until it wasn’t, and it destroyed a piece of his soul when it ended.  He thought it was gone forever, but then he saw Sauli at the airport, and that broken piece inside seemed to start healing.

Danielle’s worry over things moving too fast has Adam smiling into the dark.  They moved faster the first time around and that went pretty well.  At least for a while, and even though it ended like it did, he wouldn’t change a thing.  He’d rather have Sauli for a short time than not at all. 

 

He only hopes he doesn’t get his heart broken again.

* * * 

_“To you beginning a new decade.”_

_Brad taps his glass against his, wearing a sly grin.  Thirty.  How did he get to be thirty?  It feels like only yesterday when he turned twenty._

_“Fuck you.”_

_“You wish.”   Before he can answer, Brad nods his head.  “Hmmm, so that’s the new guy?”_

_Adam smiles against his glass as he and Brad look at Sauli a few tables away.  “Yeah,” he sighs dreamily.  “That’s Sauli.”_

_Adam spends the next few minutes teaching Brad how to pronounce it, then spends a longer time telling him how they met, how much he likes him.  He doesn’t realize how much he’s babbled until Brad holds up a hand._

_“Breathe Adam.”  Brad rolls his eyes.  “His hair, really Adam?”_

_“What?  I like it,” he defends his boyfriend.  Boyfriend?  Adam rolls the word around his head some more.   Yeah, boyfriend._

_“Of course you would.  You only do because you are in serious like with the man.”_

_Brad looks Sauli up and down before nodding.  “I bet he’s great in bed.  I mean, look at him.  The man knows how to move his ass.”_

_Adam frowns and takes a drink.  He doesn’t like the idea of Brad picturing Sauli naked or looking at his ass.  He doesn’t want anyone doing that.  “I am not having this conversation with you.”_

_“Why not?  We always joke.….Oh. My. God.”  Brad suddenly spins and freezes Adam with a glare.  “You fucking love him.”_

_“I never said that,” Adam quickly denies it._

_“Oh yes you did.”  Brad studies him for a minute before giving him a sad little smile and kissing his cheek.   “Come on,” he says after, all the teasing gone from his voice.  He threads his hand through Adam’s arm.  “Introduce me to the man who’s replaced me.”_

_Adam sighs at Brad’s dramatics. “Nobody can replace you.”_

_“Don’t you ever forget it.  But, I have a feeling this one is going to be very special.  Did you notice how he can’t take his eyes off you?” he asks in a whisper.  “He thinks he’s being coy and nobody’s noticed, but I did.”_

_“Doesn’t he have the most beautiful eyes?”_

_“Can’t tell from here?  Too far away.”_

_“They’re the most amazing blue, like the Caribbean water.”_

_“You are so gone.”_

_Adam simply admits it, too tired to deny it anymore.  “Yeah, I am.”_

_Brad rests his head against Adam’s arm.  “I’m happy for you, you know.”_

_Adam rubs his cheek against Brad’s hair.  “I know.  Come on.  I’ll introduce you.”_

_“Do you think he’d let me cut his hair?” Brad whispers as they walk the short distance.  “Or color it.”_

_“It’s perfect.  Stop.”_

 

_“So fucking gone.”_

 * * *

“I can’t sleep,” Sauli whispers.

“Neither can I,” Adam laughs. 

They didn’t even make it to the out of the living room when Adam first arrived.  A hello, you look good , I missed you make out session turned into a quick fuck against the door when Adam first arrived.   That turned into a shower that lasted longer than the hot water.  They feel into bed together, holding each other until they each thought the other fell asleep.

Cuddling next to Sauli is one of the top things he missed since Sauli’s visit to LA.  Phone calls, video chats, whatever, isn’t the same.

“Want to watch a movie? We can snuggle and make out on the couch,” Sauli suggests.

“Kissing you is my favorite thing.  You make the snacks and I’ll pick one out.” 

Adam slaps Sauli's ass before they climb out of bed.  They pull on underwear but nothing else and make their way to the living room. 

It takes a minute of fumbling with the remote before Adam manages to get the TV on. 

“Any particular kind?” 

“Nothing too scary”

Adam looks at the menu on the TV when he spots Sauli’s saved list.  Maybe there’s something on it that Sauli hasn’t had a chance to watch yet.

“Do you still like Kettle Corn?  I have some,” Sauli asks.

“A man after my own heart,” Adam yells to the kitchen, his eyes on the screen, waiting for it to load.

Adam’s jaw drops open when the list opens on the screen.  There’s no movies or TV shows saved.   Everything is of Adam. 

Adam on the Tonight Show.

Adam’s Halloween concert special.

Adam performing on New Years Eve show last year. 

The cancer benefit concert.   The Superbowl when he sang the National Anthem.  The White House Fourth of July concert.

Jesus.  Some of them go back two years.

“I brought you a…” Sauli’s voice trails off.

Adam looks over at him.  Sauli looks like he’s seen a ghost.  His face is pale.  His eyes are wide and he hasn’t moved them from the screen.

“What is this?” Adam asks, his voice hoarse.

“I, ah.”  Sauli closes his eyes tight.  “Fuck,” he whispers.  “Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.”  Saul’s face starts to turn red.  When he opens his eyes, he looks anywhere but at Adam.

“You what?”

Sauli visibly swallows.  He puts down the drinks and bowl of popcorn on the closest table. 

“I don’t get it.”  He thinks he does but he wansts Sauli to admit it.

“Yes, you do,” Sauli states, his eyes glaring at Adam. 

“I’m not sure I do.  Explain it to me.” Adam sits back on the couch, hoping he’s giving off an impression that he can wait all night if he has to.

Sauli groans and covers his face in his hands.  “I cannot believe you found them.”

“I did baby, so you might as well tell me why you seem to have all my appearances from the last year or so saved on your TV.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Sauli drops his hands from his face.  “I missed you," he says almost angrily.  "So much sometimes I thought I would go crazy.  The moments it got really bad, I would watch them.  They made me feel like you weren’t so far away.”

Adam’s heart beats wildly in his chest.  He highlighted one particular show.  “Even this one?   When I was with someone else?  Why would you keep this?”

Sauli seems to deflate.  He looks raw, like someone turned him inside out.  “Because, even though it wasn’t me, you look happy.   Adam, look at your face.  And seeing you happy makes me happy, even if I’m not the cause.”

Adam throws the remote down and walks to Sauli. He looks nervous and weary but, damn, if that isn’t the most beautiful thing anyone’s ever said to him.

“I wasn’t happy.”  He cups Sauli’s face in his hands, forcing those blue eyes to meet his own.  “I kept wishing it was you.”

Sauli’s face breaks into a big grin, one that Adam returns.  His heart seems to settle into a steadier beat.   It’s still going crazy but at least it doesn’t feel like it’s going to jump out of his chest.

Sauli throws his arms around his neck, pulls his head down and kisses him breathless.

“I think you should take me back to bed and make love to me.”  The words get mumbled between their lips but he understands.

Adam gently kisses the tip of Sauli’s nose as he walks him backwards.  “I think you’re right.”

tbc....


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam and Sauli talk a little bit about the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your understanding! This update isnt a long one due to real life issues, however, there will be a bigger update this weekend.
> 
> I appreciate all the love!

A nightmare has Adam awake and unable to fall back asleep.   He slips out of bed, making as little movement as possible.  The last thing he wants to do is wake Sauli.  He has no desire to tell him what freaked out Adam.

He finds his underwear and slides them on before heading to the bathroom.  A piss, a splash of water on his face and he still can’t get the vision of Sauli laughing, cackling more like it, while he tells him how stupid he was to trust him again.  The sound of the door slamming when he left, seemed so real.

A terrified shiver travels through him as he drops down on the couch.

“It was only a dream,” he repeats over and over. 

“What was?”

He jumps and spins on the couch.  “I thought you were sleeping?” 

He tries to glare at his lover but Sauli’s naked and sexily rumpled.  It's impossible to stay irritated at the sight.  His body relaxes with every step Sauli takes towards him.   Something that always seems to happen when he sees him.  One look and all of Adam's troubles seem to disappear. 

“I woke up,” Sauli yawns.  He scratches his belly before crawling onto Adam’s lap.  “You were gone.”  He nuzzles into Adam’s chest.   Adam’s arms immediately wrap around him to hold him close.  “Why are you so cold?”

“Because we’re in New York and it’s freezing out?” he answers with a smile.

“Smart ass.”

Sauli places a kiss on Adam’s arm and rubs his cheek against his chest.  “I love cuddling with you.”

“Me too baby.” 

There’s questions he needs to ask, but will it open a can of worms that’s better left closed?   If he doesn’t get answers, he’ll always be left wondering and worrying that history will repeat itself.

“Sauli?”

“Hmmm.”  Sauli cuddles in closer, letting out a contended sigh.

“Why did you leave?  Was it really because I wouldn’t marry you?”

Sauli leans back and turns on the lamp, casting a soft glow in the room.   Adam liked it better with the light off.  He could hide that way.  When Sauli’s looking at him like he is now, Adam feels like his every thought is right there for him to see. 

He feels vulnerable.  He hates that.

“I think I need to be dressed for this,” Sauli says.

He leaps off the couch – out of Adam’s arms – and goes back to the bedroom, leaving Adam feeling colder than when he first woke up.

Before Adam can get too wrapped up in his thoughts, Sauli reenters the room wearing a pair of sweats and an old battered tshirt. 

“It was more than that.  You didn’t need me anymore.”

“Yes, I did,” Adam protests immediately.

“Hear me out.” 

Adam bites his lip to prevent anymore outbursts.  Sauli sits on the couch next to Adam.  He pulls his legs up and wraps his arms around them.  He looks out at the room while he tries to explain. 

“I felt like you didn’t need me anymore.   I wanted to spend my life with you.  Back then, I needed that commitment I guess.  I don’t know, but every time I tried to talk to you about it, you blew me off.  Dismissed me.”  Sauli shrugs but Adam can tell it hurt him.  Even now he can see the way Sauli’s bracing himself for a rejection.

“The fact that you didn’t want to even talk to me about it hurt.  You told me I was the most important person in your life, but you wouldn’t even take the time to have a conversation about something that was very important to me.  My feelings didn’t seem to matter.”

Sauli turns his head to look at him, hiding none of the pain or hurt he felt back then.   “I wasn’t trying to force your hand.  I would never to that.  I just wanted to know why, and if you still saw us together in twenty years.  When you never said anything, I thought I saw the writing on the wall.”

Adam licks his lips and looks away.  It’s his turn to look away to gain courage.  “I wasn’t ready.  I know it sounds like a simple answer but it’s the truth.  I was scared to say that to you.  I was afraid you’d think I never wanted to marry you, or that I didn’t see us as a forever couple.  Because I did.  I just wasn’t ready then.”

Adam finally turns to look at him.  “I thought we should wait until my career wasn’t at full speed ahead, you know?  When I married you, I wanted to be home with you, not traveling the world every few weeks.  Before, I knew what was happening, you were gone.”

“How did we go from talking about everything to avoiding the biggest subject?  The one we really needed to discuss.”

Adam gives him a little smile.  “Because we’re idiots?”

Sauli chuckles.  “Yes.”  He turns serious again.  “We lost so much time.”

The sorrow in his voice is nearly Adam’s undoing.

“Maybe we needed to go through it to truly appreciate what he did have.  What we can have again.”

The tension in Sauli seems to fade as he stares into Adam’s eyes.  This man is his soul mate.  He knew it when they first met.  As he stares into his blue eyes, Adam knows that hasn’t changed, no matter how much he wished it had over the last few years.

“What happened with Noah?” He suddenly asks, surprisng himself and Sauli.

“He wasn’t The One.  But, neither was I.  We were both on the rebound.  He was safe.  I thought I could have what I always wanted with him but I couldn’t let you go.  He deserved more than someone who was pining after a lost love.”

God, he’s going to hell, because Adam can’t stop the grin.  He tries.  Fuck, he tries, but the corners of his mouth lift until he’s smiling at Sauli like he just handed him all the Grammys in the world.

“You were pining for me?”  He teases.  Damn, he’s missed this easy flirting, seeing the answering light in his partners eyes.

Sauli rolls his eyes but he’s smiling.  “Yes.  Isn’t it obvious.”

 

Adam pulls him back on his lap.  He nuzzles his neck, then his face.  He loves him so fucking much.  “You weren't the only one."

* * *

_“Can I hold her now?”_

_“No,” Adam answers without lifting his eyes from the baby in his arms.  He makes the silly cooing noises you’re supposed to make to newborns, trying desperately to get a smile.  Something.  Anything._

_“But you’ve been holding her for fifteen minutes,” Sauli whines.  “It’s my turn.”_

_“In a minute.”  He smiles down at Morgan.  “Who’s the prettiest girl in the world?  Oh, booo, booo booo.  You are.”  He brings the little hand to his lips for a kiss._

_Sauli gives up and leans over Adam’s shoulder.   He starts making the same baby noises Adam’s making.  What is it about little humans, that has adults acting like this._

_“She’s squeezing my fingers,” Adam announces.  “You’re such a strong little girl,” he whispers.  He kisses her nose before finally turning to hand her over to Sauli._

_If he waited any longer, Sauli would probably rip her out of his hands._

_“She’s so tiny.  She weighs like a feather,” Sauli says in awe._

_Adam smiles at the picture they make.  He takes out his phone and snaps one._

_“You’re going to make a wonderful father one day,” Adam proclaims._

_Sauli gives him the biggest smile.  “You think so?”_

_“Yeah baby.”_

_Adam can see it so clearly.   Them at the beach with their son, or daughter, both if they’re lucky.  They’d play in the water.  Adam would teach them to surf.  Sauli would teach them to play in the waves.  They’d both teach them to jetski when they were older._

_They’d make sure to pack lots of suntan lotion, and snacks and drinks._

_They’d be a family._

 

_One day._

 

tbc....


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam and Sauli talk about Dustin before deciding to visit New York, Sauli style.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update Thursday. Too much things going on before that for me to give an update sooner.

"What happened with Dustin?"

Adam snorts. "Dustin and I were nothing like you and Noah."

"I did not say that. I asked what happened."

Adam picks up his breakfast plate and carries it to the sink. The fun they had cooking together this morning quickly disappears thanks to Sauli's question. Adam figured it was coming, especially after their conversation earlier. It should be an easy enough question. It's not like they had a serious love affair. Not even close.

But Adam thought that maybe they could. Hoped they could anyway, and that's what makes him so damned angry.

 Why would he _want_ to fall in love with a man who whispered about their sex life to a fucking entertainment blogger?

He burned with embarrassment when it happened, but to stand in this kitchen with a man who has more integrity in his pinky than Dustin had in his entire being, brings home how far below himself he looked for love.

He's never felt such humiliation in all his life.

He drops the plate in the sink and grips the counter. He doesn't even know where to begin.

"As someone who's had sex with you, multiple times, I can vouch he got the length wrong."

Adam can't help the laugh that escapes. It lasts for all of a minute before he wants to cry. It wasn't what was said that bothers him. It's that he got involved with a man who would throw him to the wolves that rankles.

"Do you know that it was that article that had me breaking things off with Noah?"

"What?"

Adam spins from the sink to look at Sauli, who is sitting back in his chair. His body is displaying a calm that is not in his eyes.

"I was angry. Very angry," he states again, fire in his eyes. "that someone you trusted would betray you like that."

Adam rubs his arms to ward off a chill that has more to do with what he's feeling than the temperature in the room.

"Of the men I met since you left, I was the most attracted to him. He's gorgeous and smart, and I desperately wanted to fall in love with someone. I wanted that feeling back. Badly," he finishes in a near whisper.

God, just admitting that scares him to death. There was a time Adam shared every thought with this man, but that was a long time ago. Even though they've made progress, confessing his weakness leaves him feeling exposed.

"So, it was more serious than you let everyone think."

He shakes his head. "No. He kept pushing for it but the first night he spent at my house I knew it wouldn't happen. So I told him. He was upset, naturally. He blabbed because he thought I was stringing him along."

Sauli studies him for a minute before speaking. "You weren't."

"How do you know?" He throws his hands in the air. "Maybe I changed after you left."

"No, you didn't," Sauli states calmly.

"You don't know," he says angrily. Too many nights Adam stayed awake wondering if he should've said something earlier. "You moved on and fell in love." He stabs his pointed finger into his chest. "I didn't but, fuck, I wanted to." He runs his hands through his hair, pulling at the ends. "I wanted to replace you and I hated that I couldn't."

"You hated me."

Adam shoots daggers at him. "I did not say that."

"But you did."

Sauli moves to stand in front of him. His blue eyes are calm, measured. There's no judgment in them.

"We'll never move on if we don’t get it all out."

Adam crushes Sauli to him. His hands grip around his shoulders, his fingers surely making bruises.

"It's okay," Sauli murmurs, burrowing in closer. His hands soothingly rub Adam's back in reassuring strokes. "Sometimes I hated me too."

"I never hated you. Not really. When are you going to LA next?" He changes the subject quickly as a thought pops into his head.

"When do you want me there?" Sauli asks instead, a smile in his voice.

Adam thinks of the house he bought with Sauli in mind. The sauna that's been waiting for Sauli. The one he had planned to install before they broke up for good. He can almost smell the wood, feel the heat, and he smiles.

Sauli is going to love it.

"There's something I want to show you."

***

_Adam is just throwing out the apple core when he hears the front door slam, followed by a string of what can only be Finnish swearing._

_"Sauli, is everything okay?" He asks as he enters the front room._

_Sauli throws his arm towards the window. "I hate it, Adam. They think I have an accent so I'm stupid."_

_"Who does?" He frowns as he walks over and takes the bags from Sauli's hands. He peeks inside, finding some cool looking shoes from the second hand shop Sauli visited._

_"Taxi drivers. They take the long way and when I question them, they talk to me like I'm a dumb tourist."_

_"I told you I would drive you there."_

_Sauli throws his arms up before stripping off his jacket. "I need to do things for myself.  I cannot rely on you all the time.  I hate being taken advantage of."_

_"I know, baby. I'm sorry."_

_Adam quickly drops the bags and gives him a hug._

_"It is not your fault. And I only paid him what he would get if he took the right way."_

_"That's my man," Adam smiles._

_"It is just…."_

_"Frustrating," Adam states._

_He can't imagine moving to a foreign country with different money, language, measurements. Once again, he's humbled that Sauli did it for him, and has to put up with shit Adam never thought of._

_"I really am sorry," he says more seriously than earlier._

_"I know."_

_He rubs his hands up and down Sauli's arms. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"_

_"You do enough Adam."_

_Adam laughs and steps back so he can look into his face. "I don't do anything."_

_"Yes, you do. You give me your friends, and family."_

_"You miss yours. It's important you have a support system here."_

_"And I do because of you."_

_"I love you. I want you to be happy."_

_"I am." Sauli places a kiss on his chin. "If taxi drivers listened to me, it would be perfect."_

_They laugh but deep down Adam has to wonder if Sauli's ever thought it wasn't worth it. If he wasn't worth it._

* * *

"What is it?"

"I'm not telling. It's a surprise. Now, what do you want to do today. I have the day free."

"I thought you had meetings," Sauli says.

They each help picking up the dishes and putting things away before heading to the shower.

"Not today. Tomorrow. I came a day early so I could spend it with you."

Sauli stops and spins Adam around. "You did?"

Adam runs his finger down Sauli's nose and over his lips. "Yes. I did."

"I want to show you my New York."

"You're New York?"

"Yes. We will walk a lot and you will need a disguise but it will be fun, yes?"

Adam smiles and kisses him. What starts out short turns long and hot. When they part, they're got semi-hard and panting heavily. "I do love playing dress up."

Adam suddenly feels like a superhero when Sauli giggles. God damn, he's missed that sound.

Sauli slips his hands down to Adam's ass and squeezes.  "First, we need to shower and I have to wash your back."

"Yes.  My freckles have missed your attention."

"Well, let's fix that right now."  He slaps Adam's butt before turning him around and giving him a gentle shove.  "Move."

"Yes sir," Adam replies with a giggle of his own.

* * *

_"I don't know Adam," Sauli says nervously. "There's a lot of people out there."_

_Adam doesn't have to look out the window to know Sauli is talking about the line of cameras waiting on the red carpet._

_"Please. I want you to be there with me."_

_"I don't have to have my picture taken do I?"_

_Adam's surprised to see a hint of insecurity in Sauli's eyes. He's always so confident and sure of himself._

_"Not if you don't want to," he answers, his gaze never wavering._

_"Okay then."_

_Adam leans over and gives him a kiss. He barely finishes saying he loves him when the door opens._

_As he makes his way from interviewer to interviewer on the carpet, he can't help steal glances at Sauli standing off to the side. He looks so uncomfortable, and Adam's heart goes out to him. But if they're to be a couple, this is part of it. If Sauli decides he can't handle this part of it, then it's better to find out now, at the beginning. Even though it'll crush Adam if Sauli decides it's too much._

_Others have, but none of them meant anything close to what Sauli means to him._

_"Adam, over here." "Adam, look up." "Smile Adam." "Adam" "Adam." "Adam"_

_Then there's one chant for his boyfriend. He looks over and smiles at Sauli and tilts his head, waiting for his answer. When Sauli smiles in return and walks forward, it's the most natural thing in the world for Adam to hold his hand._

_He wasn't thinking of implications of it. He was only thinking he wanted to reassure his man, and tell him, without words, how proud he was of him._

_If he thought the flashes were bright before, he thought wrong, because the minute they were standing there holding hands and smiling at each other, it felt like flood lights were suddenly brought in._

_They posed and smiled for Sauli left Adam to finish it alone._

_"You did great baby," Adam tells him when they find there seats, just as the finale is about to start._

_"I was afraid I was going to fall. My heart was racing."_

_"The first time is always the toughest."_

_Sauli gives him a naughty smile. "So I remember."_

_Adam cracks up. He can handle it. It was silly to think he couldn't._

_tbc...._


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam thinks about moving to NY.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about Thursday's update. My father needed surgery this week. Unexpectedly. He's fine, but it's been a hellish couple weeks lately.
> 
> glamtastic207 made me a couple of beautiful banners for the fic!  
> check them out: http://glamtastic207.livejournal.com/  
> (I'll try to figure out how to add them to the top of the story)

 

As much as he loves Sauli, Adam's biggest problem is trusting him again. Building a relationship takes time, trust takes time. It's not instantly there with a stranger, but rebuilding it is even harder.

He knows with absolute certainty that Sauli won't cheat on him. He won't lie to him. Those are things he learned the first time around. It's the not knowing if Sauli will wake up one day and decide he wants something else.

Spending more time together will help. Danielle's right about that, but how can they do that when they are living thousands of miles apart?

Adam laughs at the thought as he stands under the hot spray of the shower. They lived a world apart and they found a way to make it work. What's a few miles after that?

He could get an apartment in New York. The idea isn't foreign. He looked at doing just that late last year, so he wouldn't be moving because Sauli lives there. It would just be extra incentive.

He finishes washing and turns off the water. Every time he grabs a towel off the warming rack, he's thankful for the money he's earned. He's shared a lot of it but he does like his little pleasures, and warm towels ranks right up there with designer boots.

As he styles his hair, his mind goes back to Sauli. It's hard to let people deep inside. He's always had this natural instinct to protect himself, to keep a little bit tucked away. It's why he didn't open up to Sauli about his hesitancy over marriage. He thought for sure Sauli would bolt for the hills, instead, not saying anything is what ultimately caused him to flee.

Although, Sauli might have left anyway. He said he needed that commitment back then and Adam was not in a place to give it. He's not sure if he ever will but Sauli said he didn't need it anymore so hopefully it won't be an issue. Of course he could change his mind.

Adam frowns into the mirror, his hands falling to his sides. That's the problem. He doesn't know if Sauli will stick around in the long run. He didn't last time, there's nothing to say he will this time. His only hope is that Sauli learned from their time apart that they belong together. They've always belonged together. Adam's come to accept that fact, even if he tried to ignore it for years.

Something was missing from his life. He thought it was love. He thought he'd find someone and fall in love and his life would be whole again, but that's not what was missing It was Sauli.

Not taking a second chance isn't an option. It ceased being an option the minute he found out Sauli wasn't married to Noah.

He turns off the bathroom light as he exits, running late for his lunch date with him his mother. He doesn't bother to hurry. She wouldn't expect anything different.

* * *

_After almost a day, Adam's had enough of the near silent treatment. At first he tried to tease Sauli out of his bad mood, then he tried silence for silence before getting to the point he's at now - pissed._

_"How long are you going to sulk?"_

_Sauli only rolls his head and looks at him. Somehow that pisses him off even more._

_"Look, I already apologized. I'm not doing it again. In fact, I think you owe me one."_

_Sauli's eyebrows rise in shock. "Me apologize?"_

_"Yes you," Adam answers. He sits down on the chair in the living room, virtually dismissing Sauli who is currently glaring at him from the kitchen doorway._

_"What did I do?"_

_"You've been ignoring me all day."_

_Adam places his feet up on the center table with a thunk. He grabs the TV remote and starts surfing through the channels._

_"Because you humiliated me in front of everyone!"_

_"I didn't do it on purpose. That guy was putting the moves on you. Trust me, I know."_

_"So what. I was not putting them on him. We were talking. Talking, Adam. I wasn't fucking him."_

_"I didn't like it."_

_Adam sees Sauli out the corner of his eye, waiting to see what he'll do. Adam's been more than honest about his sometimes jealous streak but it's the first time it's reared it's ugly head. Just the thought of the guy putting his hands on Sauli has him seeing red._

_"You need to trust me or this will not work."_

_Adam ignores that comment because he honestly has no idea how to answer. Does it come down to trust? Is that why he gets like this at the beginning with a new guy?_

_He thinks back to Brad. The more comfortable he became, the less jealous and insecure he felt. Maybe it's the lack of time with Sauli that's making him freak out a little more than he would normally, but it's not something he can just turn off._

  
_His emotions aren't like a faucet no matter how much he wishes they sometimes were._

_"I trust you," Sauli says with a sigh. He pads over and sits down next to Adam. "Do you even know how much attention you get when we go out?"_

_"You said you weren't the jealous type," Adam tells him._

_"I'm not. I am telling you I trust you. I know this is new and maybe I am acting the fool, but I believe you when you tell me you love me and when tell me you won't cheat on me." Sauli looks at him pleadingly. "I wish you would believe me."_

_"I do." Adam's voice is gruff. He hates admitting his weaknesses. "I really do, baby. I guess I'm just afraid of losing you."_

  
_"You are not going to lose me, Adam. You need to stop reading into things, okay?"_

_"I'll try. That's all I can promise."_

_"That's all I ask."_

* * *

Adam spots his mother the minute he walks into the restaurant. She's sitting at her favorite table, the one that overlooks the ocean. She looks beautiful, as always. Her marriage a couple years ago to a man she met at a PFLAG event, agrees with her. She looks younger and happier than Adam's seen in a long time.

"Hi Mom." He leans down to kiss her cheek before taking the chair opposite. "Where's Jack?"

"He begged off to give us some alone time. He sends his regards."

Her husband, his stepfather, is a classy man. In fact, Adam couldn't pick out a better man for his mother. He's intelligent, funny, kind, and most of all, he treats his mother like gold.

"That's too bad. It would be nice to see him," he says honestly.

"Have you heard from your brother recently?"

"Not since before I went to New York. Why?"

They quickly order when the waitress appears.

"I'm going to be a grandmother again," she says with a big smile.

"No shit!"

"Yes. I can't believe it."

Adam snorts. "I still can't believe he found someone to marry him."

She laughs. "I can't either."

"Mom," he admonishes, "that's not a nice thing to say about your son."

She eyes him over her coffee cup. "Let's be honest. He's a little much. Everyone thinks you're high maintenance, but Neil," she rolls her eyes and smiles. "He's beyond high strung."

"True."

"I always thought you'd be the one to settle down. You have my romantic soul."

"Well, I am seeing someone," he admits.

She puts her coffee cup down with a small clink before leveling him with a look. "Since when?"

"Since, well, it's a long story."

Something in his face must have shown his apprehension.

She places her hand over his on the table. "You can talk to me when you're ready. If it's not now, whenever. I'll be here."

"It's not that, Mom." He flips his hand over and grips hers. "It's Sauli."

He proceeds to tell her the whole story. Everything. From the time they ran into each other at the airport, to the trust issues that were plaguing him that morning.

"You're scared. It's only natural, but, honey, I wish you could see yourself. You glow when you talk about him. Just like last time." She dabs her eye with her napkin. "I've waited a long time to see that sparkle in your eyes."

"I'm thinking of moving to New York so we can spend more time together."

She smiles. "You've been wanting to do that for a while, but I think you should talk to him about it first."

They thank the waitress when she arrives with their lunch.

"You don't think it's a good idea?" He asks.

"I think it's a great idea. You guys need to spend more time together but he might want to move back here. He always loved the sunshine and warm weather."

"He did," Adam agrees with a slight nod.

"Now, when can I see the two of you together again? It's been a long time coming."

He laughs, feeling better than he was earlier. Conversations with his mother always helps him put things into perspective.

"He's flying in tomorrow. How about we go to dinner the day after?"

"Sounds lovely. I can't wait for him to meet Jack."

Which prompts tales of Jack's latest adventure in the never ending renovations on their house. Jack tries but he will never be the man of all trades he likes to fantasize he is. In the end, they end up calling in a professional to rescue him, which prompt new stories to laugh over.

Adam can picture Sauli sitting next to him, laughing with him. He has the most beautiful laugh. It can light up the darkest night, warm the coldest mornings. 

Everyone around him is settled down and having families.  He used to feel like the odd man out, but when he thinks of Sauli, he doesn't feel like that anymore. 

"You're thinking about him."

Adam only smiles and sips his drink. 

 

tbc...


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam shows Sauli the sauna he had built for him and asks him to live with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ending may seem like it's the last chapter but it isn't. There'll be a couple more. Adam still has some issues to work through.

"Adam, I'm trying to kiss you," Sauli moans as Adam turns and drags him through the house.

He's being a terrible host and a worse boyfriend. Lover? What the hell are they exactly?

"We're boyfriends right?" He suddenly stops to ask.

Sauli frowns for a second. "Yes. I hope so."

Adam smiles and gives him a quick kiss but moves back before Sauli can deepen it.

"You better be taking me to your bedroom. Nice house by the way. What I can see of it anyway."

"Thanks," Adam replies. "I'll show you around after but there's something I really need you to see."

"Your dick hopefully," Sauli quips which has Adam chuckling as they trudge up the stairs.

"Stop," Sauli says, putting his hand against a wall and pulling Adam back. "You've barely kissed me since I got here."

"I'm sorry baby," Adam says. He tugs his hair with his free hand. "I've waited to show you this for a long time. It's all I can think about. It's important, but if I stop to kiss you, we'll get sidetracked."

Sauli studies him for a minute before squeezing his hand. "Okay then. Lead the way."

Adam leads him quickly through the house, trying to point things out, but his mind isn't really on what he's saying.

"Holy shit Adam. Your bedroom. It's gorgeous."

"Thanks," Adam murmurs, not stopping to look at the room, especially the bed, instead moving with determined steps to the double doors with the hanging robe.

"I bought this house with you in mind. I thought it could be our home. I brought pictures with me when I went to Helsinki to see you, but things spun out of control and I never got the chance to show you."

"Why didn't you tell me? All this time, you never said anything."

Adam looks away for a minute, his gaze settling on the empty hook, and suddenly nothing in the past matters. He has a chance to hang a matching robe, with Sauli's initials, next to his. Something he thought he lost a long, long time ago. That's all the truly cares about.

"We were over. It didn't matter."

"It might have."

The utter sadness in Sauli's voice is nearly his undoing. He squeezes his eyes shut.

"Let's not do this, okay?" He asks hoarsely. "You're here now. Let's focus on that. I don't want to dwell on lost time. I want to move forward."

He turns his head to face Sauli. He's waited so long for this moment, one he didn't think he'd ever see. It feels like a new beginning for them, and he wants to enjoy it. He wants to see Sauli's face light up with surprised joy.

"Please," he whispers, taking Sauli's face in his hands. He kisses him gently, softly.

Sauli's watery eyes look up at him after. A smile slowly spreads on his face and he nods.

Adam traces the smile with his finger. He kisses him one more time with the same gentleness as before.

"This room was built for you," he murmurs huskily. He opens the doors and pushes Sauli through.

Sauli stops just inside and looks around. "But, I don't…" his voice trails off as he walks into the room. He spins around, those blue eyes blazing with mixed emotions. He holds his arms out wide and asks hesitantly, "For me?"

Adam isn't sure if he wants to laugh at the dazed expression or kiss it off.

"Yes. I had the plans in place. I didn't want to change them."

He watches Sauli's fingers trail over the wood when he turns around and walks further in the room. His face is full of wonderment and surprise.

"I knew this was the one thing you missed most about home."

"Adam, it's beautiful. I don't," Sauli's voice catches and he sits down on the bench. He clears his throat before finishing. "I don't know what to say."

Adam smiles and walks towards where Sauli's sitting. He takes both of his hands in his own and kisses their knuckles.

"Say you like it."

Sauli leans forward and lays his head against Adam's chest.

"I love it. Thank you."

Adam releases Sauli's hands and wraps his arms around him, pulling him in closer. This reaction is exactly what Adam pictured when he first saw the room, only he never thought he'd see it.

* * *

_It's the first night in his very own house. It's not a rent, or a friends. It's his. All his._

_He has a mortgage. As a struggling twenty-five year old, he could never imagine he would get to this point._

_Everyone left a while ago. Adam wanted to accept Dani's offer to stay the night, but he honestly wanted some time alone._

_He pads barefoot through the house, looking at some of the barren spots on the walls. He'll need to go shopping soon to fill in those spaces. He figured it was something he would do with Sauli. When he first put the bid on the house, he had big dreams of the two of them decorating the house together._

_As he walks through each room, he can picture Sauli there, moving things until they're perfect. He'd fix the overturned rug by the French doors. Adam just looks at it and moves to the next room._

_Never did he think his first night would be spent alone, sipping from a bottle of wine._

_He assumed it would be spent fucking in as many rooms as possible. The thought of bringing anyone else here turns his stomach._

_When he reaches the master bedroom, he doesn't stop, but heads towards the master bath. The short hallway to the right leads to the hot tub room. The one to the left leads to a set of double wood doors. He looks at the thick white bathrobe hanging on the wall near the doors, and the empty hook next to it. It pisses him off when the hand running down the plush material turns shaky._

_He tips the bottle up, taking a big swig before facing the doors again. It's just a fucking room for Christ's sake._

_"_ His room _", the voice in his head whispers._

_He opens the doors, walks inside and feels a sucker punch to his gut. The builder gave Adam's vision life. It's exactly what he pictured only better somehow. Glass windows on one side overlook the Los Angeles skyline. Two long benches curve around the opposite wall, one lower than the other. Dimmer lights can make the setting as romantic as you want, depending on the mood._

_He sits on the lowest bench, takes a swig and looks around at the sauna built for Sauli._

_* * *_

"Are you happy in New York?" Adam asks late in the night.

"Yes, why?"

Adam's thumb rubs over Sauli's hand, seeking comfort, support - he's not sure exactly. For all the talk in his head about telling Sauli everything and leaving nothing on the line, when the time comes he's not sure how to proceed.

Why does everything seem so easy when you think about it but yet so hard to speak it?

"Adam?"

Adam lifts his eyes to look at Sauli, and he finds what he needs - strength.

"I was wondering if you'd want to move back here, to LA, with me?"

When no answer comes, confirming his fear that it's too fast, he adds, "It doesn't have to be with me. In fact, I've been thinking about buying a place in New York. Not because you're there but…."

"Shut up."

Adam does as he's told.

"I forgot how much you babble when you're nervous." There's a smile in Sauli's voice.

"I forgot what a pain in the ass you can be."

Sauli laughs and lunges at him, forcing him on his back. Sauli stretches out on him and leans his forearms on Adam's chest.

"I am not a pain in the ass."

Adam chuckles loudly. "Yeah you are."

"You want us to live together?"

He looks into Sauli's eyes and finds the courage to nod. "Yeah, baby. Badly. Desperately. Here or New York, I don't care. I just want to be with you."

"I can't move for a couple of months. I have commitments."

The flare of hope has Adam's heart beating out of control.

"So, you're saying yes?"

"Yes. I'm saying yes. I love you, Adam."

Sauli lays his head down on Adam's chest, his cheek nuzzling him. "I've always loved you."

Adam knew it but hearing the words makes him feel a contentment he hasn't felt in long, long time.

It won't be easy. That was his problem last time, thinking everything would be simple. There will probably always be a little part of him that will worry about Sauli one day leaving, but he can't control the future, nor does he want to. He learned a lot in the time they were apart. About himself, what he wants and what's important to him.

A lot of what he learned comes down to the man in his arms and having him in his life.

"I love you too," he whispers and kisses the top of Sauli's head.

He feels the smile against his chest, and he smiles in return, before falling asleep.

tbc...


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before settling in their life together, Adam and Sauli run into Dustin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a new computer!!! Which is good and bad. All my fics from my old PC are gone, which meant I lost the conclusion to this story and had to rewrite it. :(

Adam's woken by barely there kisses against his jaw and a nose gently gliding along his cheek. A smile forms before he even opens his eyes as foreign words are softly whispered against his skin. He slides his leg along Sauli's and caresses his back with his fingers, but he doesn't hurry him. He's missed these lazy mornings filled with sighs and tender touches.

He thought he long lost the opportunity to be woken every day by the loving attention of man who adores him. They say you can learn a lot about the way a man kisses you, but Adam knows you can also learn a lot in the way a man touches you.

He sighs as stubble scrapes against stubble before warm lips cover his. There's no tongue, just nibbles, and sweet, sweet kisses that Adam will cherish forever.

He's never reacted to anyone's touch the way he reacts to Sauli's.

Eventually they will make love, but for now, he's more than happy to hold his lover close, giggle together when their fingers touch sensitive places, and kiss like there's no tomorrow before sliding back into sleep.

A couple hours later, when they're fully awake, Sauli mumbles something about getting up. They're meeting Adam's mother for lunch, doing some shopping, then going out to a new club.

"We have an hour," Adam murmurs as he rolls Sauli onto his back, hovering over him.

There's a couple of new wrinkles around the eyes, and the hairline is further back, but Sauli is still the most breathtaking man he's ever seen.

"It will take you that long to get ready," Sauli says without much conviction. His eyes are rolling back in his head as Adam's hand slides down his body.

"She won't be surprised."

Sauli smiles but doesn't open his eyes. "She won't," he agrees on a moan when Adam's hand finds his target.

"It is so good to see you," Leila says as she engulfs Sauli in a hug.

"You too," Sauli replies. "You too."

Adam drapes his arm over the back of Sauli's chair when they sit down. His fingers stroke up and down his lover's neck, something he wasn't conscious he was doing until Sauli shivered.

"What?" he asks innocently when his mother raises her eyebrow at him.

"You know what."

Adam smiles wider. "He's going back to New York soon. I have to touch when I can."

"Adam," Sauli admonishes.

"It's okay sweetie," his mother says as she taps Sauli's hand. "I get it. He's missed you."

"Not as much as I missed him," Sauli tells her. He tilts his head until it's leaning against Adam, and Adam leans down to kiss the top of it for no other reason than because he wants to.

"Now, I'm going to cry," she blinks and blinks until she gives up and dabs the corners of her eyes with a napkin. "I always knew you boys would find each other again."

Watching two of the most important people in his life get reacquainted makes him realize how lonely he really was these past few years. His heart hurts for all the time they've lost, not just with each other, but with friends and family. There were too many get-togethers he attended alone, where he put on the phony smile and brushed aside questions that probed too deep.

"So, what are your plans for the day?" She asks once the waitress leaves with their orders.

Adam fills her in but she doesn't seem to pay attention. When he follows her gaze, he finds she's staring at his and Sauli's joined hands on the table.

"I love you both, you know."

Sauli picks up her hand and kisses the back of it, charming her like he did the first time they met. Adam lays his head against Sauli's and sighs contently.

"I feel happier when you're around," Adam tells Sauli later that night, on their way to the club.

He was thinking about the day they spent together after lunch. They held hands while they shopped, stole kisses while looking at clothes. They shared laughs and inside jokes. Sauli looked at him like he walked on water, and Adam was pretty sure if he looked in a mirror, he'd find the same look on his own face.

  
"Me too," Sauli sighs and smiles. "I missed being with you. It feels natural to be with you again."

Adam smiles. "Natural? I like that description."

Sauli beams at him.

An hour later, Adam's a little sweaty from dancing so he goes back to their table while Sauli goes to the bathroom.

As he blots his forehead he wonders if he's getting too old for this scene. Especially when he'd rather be curled up on the couch, watching a movie with his significant other.

"Adam," a voice from the past breaks his thoughts and his body goes cold.

"Dustin," he answers, turning his head to see him.

He looks good, but then he always did. It's what's underneath that's not attractive.

"What are you doing here?"

Without an invitation, Dustin sits down. His confidence is what Adam first found attractive. He has that cocky swagger, and a grin to match, that makes men fall at his feet. Adam was no exception, but it didn't take long to see beyond, and once he did, the sexual attraction faded away quickly.

"Dancing." He doesn't offer anything else. "What are you doing here?"

"Being seen," Dustin laughs but Adam doesn't join. He will never understand how he didn't notice Dustin's narcissistic personality right off the bat.

"Well, you've been seen. You can leave now."

"Are you here with anyone?" he asks as he reaches across the table with clear intent but Adam pulls his hand back before it makes contact.

Just then, he sees Sauli approaching from the corner of his eye. He's walking with purpose towards Adam with a look of clear possession on his face.

Sauli slides in next to Adam, never acknowledging Dustin. He grips Adam's hair, tilts his head back, and kisses him hard. Sauli's other hand wraps around his throat in a hold that lets everyone watching know Adam belongs to him. He's never been manhandled like this in public before. He's never had anyone stake a claim like this.

It's fucking hot. His cock hardens as his body submits to the man leaning over him. He moans with loss when the kiss ends.

"Who's your friend?" Sauli murmurs against his ear.

Adam blinks his eyes open, having forgotten they weren't alone. It's a silly question because he's pretty sure Sauli knows perfectly well who is there. Adam clears his throat. "Dustin this is Sauli. Sauli, Dustin."

Dustin's ignores Sauli. "You're back with him," he spits out harshly.

"Yes, he is," Sauli answers in a clipped tone, his accent heavy. Then he says some choice words in Finnish while pointing at the door.

Dustin acts like Dustin and completely ignores him. "He's going to leave you again. Just like last time. You know that, don't you? I mean," he laughs angrily, "You weren't good enough before. You can't seriously think that's changed."

The last barb hits hard and has Adam internally flinching. He doesn't need a reminder about his shortcomings, especially by this man.

"It's none of your business. You can either leave now or I can have security remove you. Your choice."

Dustin huffs and puffs but he stands to leave. Adam isn't surprised that his ex chose the former option. Dustin would never want the public to think he wasn't wanted somewhere.

"I don't get it. What does he have that I don't?"

For one moment, Dustin's guard drops and he has such a look of longing on his face. Adam's not quite sure what's going on but he says the only thing that matters.

"My heart. He has my heart."

Dustin's face crumples and he rushes out, leaving Adam staring at his retreating back wondering what the fuck just happened.

"I thought you weren't serious?" Sauli's asks.

"We weren't."

"Doesn't look like he got that message."

Adam only shrugs. Whatever is going on with Dustin is not his problem. That bridge was burned before he ever reunited with Sauli.

Sauli's hand cups his cheek and he gives him a soft kiss. "He's wrong you know."

Adam nods and kisses his palm. "Let's go home."

Six months later, Adam's all but forgotten that confrontation with his ex.  He dwelled on it at first, afraid Dustin might be right, but time has proved him wrong. His life has moved on to a place he only dreamt about a year ago.

Living with Sauli again is almost too easy. Some thing's are the same but not everything. Sauli's not as quick to lose his temper. Adam can admit he occasionally misses it, enough to purposely poke a fight, if only to have the crazy make up sex like old times.

His man is sexy as sin when he gets all worked up. If it takes a little prodding to see it every once in a while, Adam is up for the challenge. He has a feeling Sauli more than indulges him.

In fact, he smiles as he goes off to find Sauli. His call with his sisters should be done by now. Maybe Adam can convince him to a little wrestling match. He'll get his ass kicked but the result will be more than worth it.

He stops at the entrance to the den and watches Sauli smiling and waving animatedly at the screen as he says goodbye to his family. When the connection is done, Sauli lifts his smiling face to Adam.

It's funny how one moment in time can shake you to your core and freeze you in your tracks. It's over in a second, but you just know your life will never be the same. Years from now, he'll remember this like it happened yesterday. He'll remember the look on Sauli's face, how his own heart raced. If he's lucky, he'll have children to tell the story to.

"Marry me."

He watches Sauli's smile slowly dissolve. Did he feel like this every time he asked Adam? Christ, he feels like the worst scum for ever turning him down. How did he not understand the vulnerability Sauli felt while he waited for Adam to answer?

Sauli looks down. His voice is quiet when he answers. "I told you. I don't need…"

Adam quickly interrupts. "Do you want to? Because I want to."

Sauli snaps his head up. "You do?"

"Yes. More than anything."

Sauli studies him for a minute before his face breaks out in a radiant smile.

He'll always regret how he dismissed Sauli's feelings and took him for granted. As he crosses the room to the man who will share his future, he vows to spend the rest of his life making up for it.


End file.
